This Is What Every State Would Be Going As For Halloween If They Were College Students
It’s Halloween this week, a time for all of us to go out and do shit that we wouldn’t dare do in any other state but costumed. People will be drunk, disorderly and likely unable to tell you what their name is, let alone which obscure tv character they have for a costume. If America was headed out on Halloween, what would each state be wearing?
Alabama is going as the Crimson Tide. Everyone just assumes it’s a really bad tampon costume.
Alaska wi’ll be dressing up as the scariest thing to come out of Alaska other than reality shows: the Wendigo, a flesh eating cannibal creature from the woods.
Arizona is going to channel his inner western fan and go as John Wayne.
Arkansas is hosting a trunk or treat instead, because Halloween is the Devil’s night and they don’t want to encourage Satanism.
California is The Dude, and the dude abides. He’s doing a group costume with Colorado.
Colorado is going as Cheech Marin, because it can’t pass up an opportunity to make a bunch of stoner jokes with California.
Connecticut is dressing as the ultimate symbol of old money draining resources from the middle class: a vampire. They’re also redistributing some wealth in the form of giant fucking candy bars though, so I guess it balances out.
Delaware will go as a NASCAR fan, but it won’t actually require them to buy anything, because they really do love NASCAR.
Florida is swamp thing: weird, strangely charismatic and prone to random fits of rage.
Georgia is going as blackface Kanye West and Kim Kardashian with Louisiana. They’re just going to offend everyone and go home early after being pelted with eggs.
Hawaii is dressing as the scariest thing they can think of, which is a person in a winter coat. Ghastly.
For Idaho, Mr. Potato Head is the only logical choice. But, like, post-apocalyptic Mad Max Mr. Potato Head. It’s a dark place, Idaho. Two potatoes enter, one potato leaves.
Illinois is embracing history and going as one of the many Chicago mobsters to liberally coat its streets in blood. It’s scary, because it happened in real life.
Indiana went with a name pun and will be going as Indiana Jones. Fucking Indiana and their love of puns.
Iowa is too drunk to put on a costume, so they’re instead writing Female Body Inspector on a t-shirt and hitting the town.
Kansas is dressing up as Jesus to try and minister to the heathen masses out celebrating Halloween.
Kentucky is going out as zombie Colonel Sanders, merging their two great loves: horror and fast food.
Louisiana is partnering with Georgia for the most offensive costume of the year, and loving every minute of it. They’re both hanging out at Bobby Jindal’s Halloween party.
Maine is going as someone “Mainestream”, they’ll say with a stupid hipster giggle. All their other family members hid in shame.
Maryland turned it’s tailgate clothing into a costume last minute by smearing ketchup all over and pretending to be an undead sports fan. Maryland will later be found passed out on someone’s lawn, again.
Massachusetts is going as their spirit animal, John F. Kennedy and doing a couple costume with Rhode Island.
Michigan is going as one of the rabid dogs that inhabits metro Detroit.
Minnesota is channeling their football team and going as a viking, but, much like their team, they quickly get lost. They do not discover a new continent in the process.
Mississippi is dressing up as Colonel Reb, but Colonel Reb without a confederate flag, which some people mysteriously find more offensive than with.
Missouri will go as their state identity, which just turns out like they’re dressing for a “what the fuck are you wearing” party. NO ONE WEARS CARGO SHORTS WITH A BUTTON DOWN, MISSOURI!
Montana has never heard of Halloween, and thought inquiry into their costume choice was some kind of weird fetish role-play pick-up line.
Nebraska is dressing up as a tumbleweed. Since the state is mostly sentient tumbleweeds anyway, this is the most meta costume of all.
Nevada is going as the seven deadly sins. It’s a really chaotic costume, and it mostly involves them drinking, fucking, fighting, stealing and swearing all night. People thought they were going as Maryland.
New Hampshire is going as Donald Trump’s lord and master, his awful alien facehugger of a toupee.
New Jersey is going as Edward from Twilight, but everyone just thought he was trying to be a sexy MMA fighter or something instead.
New Mexico is going as Jessie Pinkman, bitch. They, too, will be kidnapped by Neo-Nazis and forced to make meth in the course of the evening, before escaping and blowing up the whole operation.
New York is going as Jordan Belfort and again, will need no actual purchases to make their costume. After all, they’ve been getting dirty money for a long time.
North Carolina is going as a tarheel, leaving the rest of America to ask, once again, what the fuck is a tarheel?
North Dakota is going as the asshole prospector from There Will Be Blood. He spends the whole night drinking your drink, milkshake or not.
Ohio is Bronan the Barbarian, a warrior clad only in the strongest of armor: a series of Natty Light boxes.
Oklahoma is going as the crippling fear of having to spend your whole life in Oklahoma.
Oregon ran with the Salem (wrong Salem, Oregon) idea and decided to be a witch for Halloween. Of course, the broom is all organic and all the potions use cruelty-free ingredients.
Pennsylvania is going as an escaped military blimp that terrorizes several small farming communities.
Rhode Island is doing a famous couples costume with Massachusetts and going as Jackie Kennedy, because it longs so much to know what fame feels like.
South Carolina is going as Aquaman, because that would have been super fucking useful two weeks ago.
South Dakota isn’t dressing up for Halloween. South Dakota is limited in human contact to the point that it was institutionalized in the same mental hospital as Michael Myers.
Tennessee is going as the vengeful ghost of something Memphis has barbecued, which is the most delicious costume choice possible. Also, the costume plays wagon wheel on repeat.
Texas is going as a Stormtrooper, because nothing combines strong, conservative government principles and militarism like The Empire.
Utah stayed home because it doesn’t believe in Halloween as a rule and accidentally starred in a real-life remake of an 80’s horror classic. Sadly, Utah was the dumbass that went into the basement.
Vermont, with their love of the mountains and quiet ski lodges, is going as Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining.
Virginia will go as the snake from the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, but will spend the night getting very much tread upon at Spider Kelly’s in Clarendon. Virginia’s sister Nova will go as a Maryland fan.
Washington will also go as their namesake, but it will be hipster George instead of founding father George. He’ll talk about The Postal Service, drink some PBR and tell everyone about his hemp pants instead of founding America this Halloween.
West Virginia will go as someone from a state with real job prospects and an economy that isn’t reliant on a dying fossil fuel industry. They’ll manage to get an actual job offer because they went to Virginia for the Halloween party.
Wisconsin will go as a Badger made entirely out of gorgonzola cheese. No one will let Wisconsin in though, because who wears a costume made out of cheese?
Wyoming will go as Big Foot, get lost in the woods, and end up living with a family of them in the wilderness. The documentary about their experience will win an Oscar in 2019.
DC will go as a 40 ft tall robot named Liberty Prime that shouts about commies and blows up whatever it can sight in on.