Two weeks ago, Artie Lange posted a photo of his nose and all people could say was: “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ARTIE LANGE’S NOSE!?!?!” On Christmas Day Artie Lange posted a new photo of his contorted nose and bad news — it’s still really, really deformed.
On Christmas morning, Artie gave the gift of a new photo of his misshapen nose. “This is it but I believe her nose had a septum and had not been hideously deformed due to over 3 decades of drug abuse,” Artie wrote on Twitter.
Artie Lange and his nose is a living, breathing anti-drug PSA.
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On December 17th Artie tweeted: “My nose looks like it got hit w 32 yrs of gambling drugs booze strippers Whores. Good women Bad women Loved ones dying. Loved ones leaving stand up Comedy The road Movies TV radio books /dreams coming true. Dreams not /anger jails rehabs mental wards detoxes cigarettes & fun.” It’s almost as though doctors purposely shaped Artie’s nose in the shape that would be most difficult to snort cocaine.
The 51-year-old troubled comedian (Yes, Artie is only 51) appeared in Superior Court in Newark, New Jersey, two weeks ago. The former Howard Stern Show sidekick tested positive for multiple drugs including cocaine, amphetamine, benzodiazepines, and Suboxone (a drug used to treat opioid addiction). Lange told the judge that “heroin is out of my life” and he “wouldn’t be arrogant enough to come in here after using cocaine for two days.” Lange is currently serving four years of probation after pleading guilty to heroin possession, but the judge sparred Lange any jail time for now.
Everybody’s favorite Baby Gorilla tweeted out on December 14th that he hadn’t used heroin in 41 days and was trying to stop using cocaine, but admitted he fell off the wagon and “touched the flame.”
In 2017, Artie Lange told the story of how he accidentally snorted glass. Artie said he had ladyfriends all over the country, including this one woman in Boston who was “really beautiful.” She tracked Artie down at a gig and she “had coke on her.” They went on a “two-week run” where Artie took her on the road with him.
They were at the Four Seasons in St. Louis and she ordered $80 chocolate-covered strawberries from room service while Artie was in the shower. The woman also cut up oxycontin with a salt shaker, but it broke while she was cutting it up. According to Artie, the woman had no idea she accidentally cracked glass into the oxy. Then she went to the front desk to pick up a package. Artie allegedly came out of the shower and did the line with the broken glass in it. “It was like a zipper,” Artie remembers. “I looked in the mirror and I said, ‘Well now everything has happened.'”
Artie then went to a doctor to fix his destroyed septum and apparently the physician made it worse. “He ruined it. Now my nose is permanently attached to this side of my nostril and when I blow my nose it bleeds,” Lange said. Artie then went to a show in Pittsburgh the next day and his nose starts bleeding profusely during his standup routine and “looked like a Brian De Palma movie.”
Artie warned that nobody should do opiates. “If I could go back to the me that did heroin the first time, I would literally tackle him. I said to myself, ‘I’m in trouble.'” The moral of the story is don’t do bad drugs kids.
Let’s hope Artie can get his life together once and for all.