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One of the most significant challenges a guy experiences while in a committed, long term relationship is that, even with the prospect of regular sex being there for the taking, it can sometimes be harder for him to get laid than when he was single. Sure, the first few months of any romance is akin to being on the set of a hardcore skin flick. This is what we like to refer to as the “wet period” — the time when a couple, bound by the laws of attraction and nature’s relentless determination to populate the Earth, typically only put on pants when it comes time to pay the pizza delivery driver. Other than that, the scene is a non-stop belly-grinding hump fest that, by all accounts, should probably be documented and released as a “Fucking For Dummies” instructional video series for those digital derelicts of the Artificial Intelligence generation.
Somewhere around month six or seven, however, something tragic happens: In spite of much protest by the man of the house, couples start spending less time in the bedroom. Yep, he who had been feasting from the proverbial boom-boom buffet, sometimes two and three times daily, is all of a sudden put on a devastating new rump regimen. Now, his girl is only giving it up three times a week, then two…and, well, pretty soon he’s lucky if Mr. Bojangles gets to go out for tacos once a month.
The downfall continues.
It’s not long before that blue-balled bastard is walking around on a full-blown hunger strike, which has him so goddamned desperate to get his jollies jiggled that he actually starts begging his old lady for it. Can you imagine? Please, please, please! Of course, you can! We’ve all been there. But here’s the thing: She’s…not…fucking having it. This dry spell creates a tense situation, one that inspires the guy to bring home a bottle of cheap tequila one night, hoping that a few swings of the old bracer might get his little love muffin loosened up enough to give her a Sealy Posturepedic tattoo.
His plan works to some degree, but after a while, he starts to worry that he might be turning her into a violent lush. We all know damn well that the only thing worse than sleeping with a cold fish is trying to talk one down from the drunken psychodrama that has a tendency to rear its ugly head once hard alcohol takes control of the brain. It’s a delicate balancing act and its one that no man since the dawn of time has been able to handle without driving it clear over the fucking edge.
So what to do?
Well, it is first important to understand that some women lose interest in sex for obvious reasons. Just take a hard look at a man au naturel (use a mirror or ask politely) and you’ll quickly see that it is a goddamned miracle that any of us get laid from time to time. We are disgusting, burping, farting creatures, but, believe it or not, this is not what keeps the one-eyed walrus from taking the occasional dip in the pool. Some of problem could actually stem a legitimate medical condition that affects females known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).
This chemical imbalance in the brain has been known to zap a woman’s carnal cravings and drop her libido down to where the chances of her wanting to get down and dirty are somewhere between never and “Hey, dude, go fuck yourself.” It’s a relatively common affliction that is said to affect 1 in 10 women, according to the American Sexual Health Association.
In short, some men aren’t frequent fliers on the roller coaster of love because their girl’s brain chemistry is out of whack and she needs some help getting over the – ahem — hump.
Enter female Viagra (Addyi), the pill that back when the U.S. Food and Drug Administration first put its stamp of approval on it back in 2015 gave every man hope that the world was on the verge of becoming a whirling wad of unstoppable sleaze. Upon its release, grown men were rumored to have gathered in front of the headquarters of the drug’s manufacturer, Sprout Pharmaceuticals, to singe high praises to the scientific minds who set out to Make Women Horny Again.
Hallepoonjah!
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There was only one problem with this modern-day Spanish Fly – it was said to have life-threatening adverse reactions (low blood pressure and fainting) when mixed with alcohol and other drugs. These side effects, of course, were a deterrent for most women because it meant they couldn’t really hang out in bars and other liquor-driven hot spots where steamy love connections are often made. And sober sex, gawd no, the threat of sudden death would have been better received.
But it seems the uprising of the American nympho could be ready to erupt and turn 2019 into one hell of a good year.
Scientists have confirmed that mixing female Viagra with booze no longer presents any severe health risks. A number of studies conducted since the drug was put on the market have shown that women can consume Addyi while also using alcohol and not end up on a gurney down at the local morgue.
“The additional insights provided by these three new studies are invaluable for a more comprehensive understanding of Addyi for safe use,” said Cindy Eckert, founder and CEO of Sprout Pharmaceuticals. “This additional data contextualizes and further clarifies the relationship between Addyi and alcohol.”
There are still some unanswered questions. Researchers admit that more studies are needed before they can guarantee the drug’s safety when combined with other substances. So, it will probably take them a minute to convince the FDA to eliminate some of the more frightening portions from the warning label. Still this is something that Sprout will likely focus on in the near future.
So what do the results of the latest research really show?
Basically, if the women using Addyi to get those juices flowing can skip the booze entirely, that might be for the best. But the worst possible scenario if they don’t is the combination of the two substances could cloud their judgment, perhaps even more than alcohol is known to do on its own.
That’s all right by us. The thought of the summer season being full of rampaging, drunk girls chemically designed to make questionable choices and even go nasty beneath their pay grade is perhaps the best news we’ve heard in a while. At least it was until we saw that women who take Addyi are, on average, likely to only have 0.5 more “satisfying sexual encounters” per month.
Oh, well, fuck it — that’s still better odds than last year.
*****
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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