The horror stories of yesteryear led some men to believe that smoking marijuana could bring about castration. Well, you know, without all of the surgical mayhem associated with actually clipping the nuts. It’s true. The anti-pot propaganda spread around for decades suggested that stoner bro’s were walking around with millimeter peters and a couple of shriveled up garbanzo beans dangling between their legs.
This claim, of course, scared the holy living hell out of teenage tokers in training. Especially those living religiously by the age-old ethos of bigger is better. The threat of smoke-induced shrinkage inspired many of these guys to put down the weed forever. They were of opinion that catching a buzz just wasn’t worth watching their already dimensionally challenged dongs wither away into scrawny, useless meat sticks. Others, the more dedicated of the breed, considered the shrinkage claims to be nothing more than a rotten conspiracy sent down the pike by the federal government.
“We’ll deal with our little dicks when the times comes, man,” they’d say before taking another rip from the bong.
But there was another weird tale associated with this era of marijuana madness — one that claimed smoking weed made it almost impossible for a man to get a girl pregnant.
Believe it or not, this pseudo-science was largely embraced by horny potheads all across the nation, as it meant each time a girl asked, “Do you have a condom?” a guy could simply respond with “Don’t worry babe, I’ve been stoned for years… I’m probably shooting blanks.” Sometimes this spiel got the job done, only to backfire nine months later when a pot-spawned monster came crawling out of Miss High Times 1987 and started asking for child support. Depending on which books you read, this scenario is, by and large, responsible for the existence of the millennial generation.
But it turns out that all of this blank shooting business was just a bunch of bologna. Science says so. A recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health finds that cannabis in no way hinders human reproduction. Researchers said there is “little overall association between female or male marijuana use and fecundability,” which is a fancy way of screaming out, “wrap it up stoner bro’s, you can still get your girlfriend knocked up just as easy as the next guy.”
So while cannabis is gaining popularity for its therapeutic value in a multitude of mental and physical health conditions, it is probably worthless when it comes to birth control.
Yes, well, you see there is some evidence floating around out there that shows men who smoke weed at least once a week experience around a 33 percent decrease in sperm production.
Although it’s not the kind of odds a guy is looking for when trying to avoid slipping one past the goalie, it is possible that having buzzed balls could keep some of the ambitious little bastards from locating the jump point.
This particular study found that pot makes sperm move “too fast too early,” which ultimately causes them to fizzle out before hitting the baby-making spot. But it is important to understand that this is the case even for those Bro’s who don’t smoke weed. Come to find out, the use of alcohol, caffeine and other drugs can also confuse sperm in the same way as marijuana.
Side Note: Considering the efficacy of most birth control methods is around 99 percent, pot should not be considered the smart choice when trying to avoid populating the planet. We’re just saying.
Okay, Okay… we’ll wear rubbers. But what about this crazy talk about my balls shrinking from smoking weed?
It is what medical experts refer to a testicular atrophy. Although there is research that shows marijuana can cause a man’s balls to shrink, most of the studies on the subject were done more than three decades ago. Some of the more recent examinations into marijuana and its ability to promote testicular atrophy find that while it is possible in a small percentage of cases, it is not a permanent condition. Basically, the testicles will revert back to their normal size within a few days. It’s nothing to be too concerned about. Hell, give it a few years and our balls will start hanging lower than we will ever be willing to admit to another person. It is one of the cruel jokes of manhood, the fact that our testicles are destined to sink closer to our knees with each passing year. So, if all this gobbledygook about shrinkage is real, perhaps smoking weed on a regular basis will keep our sacks from dragging the floor someday when we’re trying to change our colostomy bag in the bathroom of a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Like we needed a reason.