There was once a time when men were men – hairy, disgusting, belching, farting beasts of evolution who worked their fingers to the bone most of the day to provide for their families.
These tough sons-of-bitches were raised by bitter, asshole fathers – even tougher SOB’s — who never showed their sons an ounce of affection or accepted any excuse for them being revered as the neighborhood putz.
Back in those days, boys were taught to fight as soon as they popped out of their mother’s womb, they were also brainwashed to work hard for little to no money and taught that it was only appropriate to screw the old lady on Saturday night or if she wanted another baby.
Many of these young whippersnappers were even forced to abandon their education long before they finished high school. So instead of college, they were put to work in the coal mines for at least 16-hours a day or some other shit job for which there was no future.
But because of this hard knocks way of growing up, there is some consensus that the boys of yesteryear were raised to become real men — the kind of guys who didn’t need to run five miles every morning to stay in shape or spend countess hours down at the Planet Fitness so that no one body shames them while they try to become a brick shithouse.
There is absolutely no doubt that the men of the past few generations built their physiques through hard, physical labor and sheer misery – not free weights and low-calorie beer.
But man, times have changed.
Now young boys are being told just how special they are at every turn, they hear “I love you” even when their punk asses deserve to be given up for adoption, and even the shittiest player on the middle school basketball team receives a trophy and some assurance that, with a little more practice, he is well on his way to the NBA. More importantly, not as many of these snot-nose punks are getting their ears warmed up by their fathers.
Some might call this a progression towards a more civil society. And they might be right. But sometimes it feels like just another symptom of the pussification of the American male.
Not only are men more sensitive these days than ever before, they are arguably lazier specimens than the burly workhounds that got their mothers pregnant. These days, guys are getting their backs waxed and shaving their chests. They are even trimming nut sacks for Christ’s sake! And it gets worse. Some of these pretty boy, manscapers have gotten so soft that they are actually getting muscle implants rather than doing the work to make these gains on their own. Good lord, boys – what would your grandfathers say?
In a recent piece from Men’s Health, one plastic surgeon says he has seen a 437 percent increase in men coming into his office for muscle implants. That is not a typo, by the way. In most cases, these procedures are being done exclusively for aesthetic purposes.
It seems that part of the population that we would consider douche bags are complaining that it is just too difficult for them to maintain the muscle definition they want or to look a certain way by simply sweating it out at the gym. So they are opting, instead, to have their abs, biceps, chests and butts enhanced with silicone padding.
“Abs developed in the gym disappear very quickly,” a 30-year-old man named Al told the publication. “Even professional athletes don’t have cut abs if they don’t work on them specifically.”
The article suggests that more men are now going under the knife for these procedures because they are, perhaps, trying to achieve some unrealistic expectation of what the male body should look like.
Some are taking this leap to get bigger – something that they might not be able to (or willing to) achieve through regular diet and exercise – while others are obviously doing it to make up for the fact that they have a microscopic wiener dangling between their scrawny, little legs. Don’t worry — penile implants are also becoming more prevalent.
These Ken doll doofuses are spending a fortune to fool both chicks and dudes into believing they are well-sculpted fitness studs. Some of the latest data shows that chest implants are running over $4,000, while butt implants are costing in upwards of $5,000. And get this — nearly 1,000 men got chest jobs in 2017, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. This number is expected to continue growing, experts say.
“The landscape is getting more and more competitive between men [who want] big and ripped bodies,” says Dr. Sam Gershenbaum, who does male enhancements in Miami, Florida.
Now, for those of you looking at yourself in the mirror right now, thinking, “Man, I could simply drop a few grand on some new abs and keep sucking down copious amounts of beer and pizza without any fat ass repercussions,” chances are that is not the case.
The article states that most of these men, while obviously insecure about their bodies, are already relatively muscular at the time of their procedure. These chumps are simply looking for the kind of cuts that nature cannot (or does not want to) provide.
We’re almost certain that if a man continues to guzzle down a case of beer a night followed by a meat-lovers chaser, that new set of fake abs is going to become a massive, albeit well defined, beer belly that eclipses his junk. This physical feature, however, might actually be a good look for those dudes looking to bang weird women into dad bods.
But we know what you’re really thinking – you assholes and your fake body shaming are so hypocritical. What about those women who spends thousands of dollars on breast enhancements? Hey pal, we don’t make the rules. If push-ups and bench presses gave women larger knockers, we’d be all about it. But the last time we checked, they do not. We can’t help it that we still have an affinity for the “stripper bod.” We likes what we likes. Our dads (those bastards) would be proud.