Safe Space: Half-Baked Thoughts And Observations From Your Everyday Millennial, Volume 4


Greetings, World Wide Web Enthusiasts!

This week marks the fourth edition of Safe Space, a collection of half-baked thoughts, astute observations, and societal hypocrisies.

We started this column to give you a breather from headlines like this:


This column knows no agenda or political affiliation and is solely the thoughts of a guy who thinks cargo shorts are high-fashion.


The same people whining about Lori Loughlin paying for her daughter to get into college are the same ones defaulting on their student loans.

Any beach is a nude beach if you whip your dick out.

You know if you look really closely at the photo of the black hole, it’s still disappointing.

Should I be happy that this week we were able to capture the first ever image of a black hole that was previously believed to require a telescope the size of the earth to photograph, or sad that the biggest scientific breakthrough in sex over the past century is putting a more slippery balloon on your hog?

So we’re going to bitch about Kevin Durant shamelessly joining the enemy, but turn a blind eye when the Verizon guy makes a career change? 

People don’t forget, bro.

Thank God it’s Masters week, not because I like golf, but because it finally gives me and my dad something to talk about.

LeBron James will miss the playoffs for the first time since April 23, 2005, which coincidentally happens to be the day R.Kelly’s girlfriend was born. 

People think working from home is the dream, but how can you expect to get anything done when you’re legally required to masturbate 2-6 times a day?

How come when someone says ‘Kill two birds with one stone” no one bats an eye, but when I say “Kill two paedophiles with one stone,” people look at me like I’m the asshole. You’re the bird killer, you sadistic fuck. I’m just cleaning up the streets. 

Personal Confession: When I was in kindergarten, I stole a elegant figurine of a lion from my best friend at the time, who wowed the class with it when he brought it in for Show and Tell. Just straight up jacked it and brought it back to the cubby section and dropped it in my backpack. Didn’t even particularly like lions. Cold blooded. Every time he would come over thereafter, I would hide it in the case where I kept my baseball cards. We were friends for a good 12 years after that and lost touch when we went to different high schools, but I still feel shame about it–not so much that I stole it, but that I mindfully kept it from him for a decade. I can’t remember my debit card PIN, but I can remember this incident vividly, and I dwell on it in the shower from time to time. 

What feels better: Successfully removing a poop stain on the toilet with your pee stream or bad sex?


Enjoy the weekend, my friends. I’ll see you back here next Friday. Stay safe out there.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.