One of the most significant technological advancements of the past century is not the smartphone, streaming services for film and music, or even those life-like dolls designed to take the place of real women.
Although admittedly, all of those developments are pretty kick ass in the grand scheme of life.
It is the snooze button – that square contraption on our alarm clocks that essentially says, “piss off, world, we are not even ready to get out of bed yet.”
The snooze button, while it is rarely given enough credit for helping us ease into our day, gives humans that extra nine minutes or so (and an additional nine after that) to continue in slumber, allowing them to mentally prepare for all of the soul-sucking affairs that are destined to arise in the hours ahead.
But sleep specialists say that this bedside “fuck it” button may also be wreaking havoc on our bodies and brains and turning us into heaping piles of worthless marmot crap.
Although most of us probably never stopped to consider that hitting the snooze button in the morning was terrible for our health, a recent article published in the Conversation indicates that it might be.
“For some, it’s a habit that started early on. But for many, it can signal a significant problem with sleep,” wrote Steven D. Bender, clinical assistant professor of oral and maxillofacial surgery at Texas A&M University.
Not only is punching the snooze button a sign that we are not getting enough good sleep throughout the night — something that Bender says can bring about health conditions ranging from high blood pressure to weight gain — but it also puts us in a position where we’re out there functioning on only half-a-brain.
Considering that some of us didn’t have much of one, to begin with, all this lack of sleep is really only paving the way to a world chock full of idiots and imbeciles.
And let’s face it, fellas, we don’t need any more help in that department.
Although there really aren’t any studies that specifically show that snooze buttons are destroying our lives, because of how our internal clocks work when it comes to regulating sleep, this daily ritual probably has adverse effects.
Sure, there are those people out there who claim they only need five hours of sleep to stay out of zombie-mode, but most adults actually require somewhere between seven and eight hours of uninterrupted rest to be worth a damn.
This is the amount of time it takes for humans to go through all of the sleep cycles in a manner that produces a well-rested body and mind.
When this process is disrupted for whatever reason, we are more apt to smack the snooze button as soon as our alarms start squawking as though we’re standing smack dab in the center of the number four reactor at Chernobyl.
“A number of factors can affect the sleep cycles,” Bender wrote. “For example, if a person is not breathing well during sleep (snoring or sleep apnea), this will disturb the normal sequences and cause the individual to awaken feeling unrestored. Sleep quality can be diminished by the use of electronic devices, tobacco, or alcohol in the evening. Even eating too close to bedtime can be problematic.”
Therefore, it is the wiser, more responsible approach to just create a situation where you are getting better sleep as opposed to procrastinating your morning in nine-minute increments.
If you are a dedicated snorer – -something that also prevents people from getting rest — it might also be necessary to seek out a nighttime breathing device to remedy the problem.
All of this is going to be more beneficial to the quality of your sleep than hitting the snooze button, according to Bender.
He also says that getting up right when the alarm sounds is the best method for ensuring that you’re not dragging ass all day long.
“Delaying getting out of bed for nine minutes by hitting the snooze is simply not going to give us any more restorative sleep,” he wrote. “In fact, it may serve to confuse the brain into starting the process of secreting more neurochemicals that cause sleep to occur.”
We highly doubt there will ever come a day when we are not hitting the snooze button at least once before getting up in the morning.
Even after a perfect night’s sleep, it is just necessary sometimes to lay there and ponder precisely what we’re getting ourselves into by climbing out of bed and putting on pants.
But sometimes hitting the snooze button allows us a period of meditative reflection – a few minutes at the ass crack of dawn where we try to talk ourselves down from all of the bullshit on the horizon.
It is either that or jumping out of bed like psychotics and try to face the day on blind faith alone.
But fuck all of that.
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