Try Reading These Official FCC Complaints About The Super Bowl Halftime Show Without Asking To Speak With A Manager

Jennifer Lopez Blasts Critics Of Her Super Bowl Halftime Performance

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The Super Bowl halftime show made a bunch of Boomers horny and they simply will not accept it.

Lynette from Toldeo, Ohio felt her nipples stiffen under her Tweety bird shirt and someone must pay. Rand from Utah felt it move under his Lee dungarees and will spend the next two decades worrying whether or not he’ll burn in hell.

I believe so strongly in this claim that I put lipstick on for it.

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It’s been over three weeks since the “porno show” witnessed by 100 million people, and there is a fiery bunch who is still enraged. Including my wife.

According to WFAA, 1,300 complaints from 49 states were filed with the Federal Communications Commission in the hours following the Super Bowl halftime show.

This isn’t new news, but there is a whole list of batshit crazy complaints from the 1,300 of the worst people at New Jersey rest stops.

“The show was not appropriate for a general audience. It was sexually explicit and would have been considered soft porn not many years ago,” wrote one Wyoming viewer.

I really can’t shame this dude for thinking that this is what constitutes soft core porn when the internet has yet to be invented in Wyoming. Poor bastard’s still bopping it to newspaper ads.

“I do not subscribe to The Playboy Channel, we do not buy porn for $20 a flick, we simply wanted to sit down as a family and watch the Super Bowl,” wrote a viewer from Spring Hill, Tenn. “God forbid we expected to watch football and a quick concert but instead had our eyes molested.”

*Billy Madison voice* “He called the porn a flick.”

“As a father of 2 teen girls I feel obligated, at this point, to file a complaint as I am at my wits end,” a man from Maine wrote. “That “show” should have been reserved for late night cable TV … As a society we are talking out of both sides of our mouths and confusing kids. We need to do better, much MUCH better. Please help put a stop this disgraceful type of behavior being pushed on our children.”

Pray for the first dude this guy’s daughters bring home.

Meet the Parents

Here is a gem from the last batch of online temper tantrums.

Henrico, Virginia
The halftime show was disgusting. The close ups of J-Lo’s vagina and anus was yucky. There was a stripper pole and a simulated orgy

Henrico there were no close-ups of booty hole. Sometimes we trick ourselves into believing our fantasies.

P.S. ‘Anus’ may be the only word that sounds like it smells.

[h/t WFAA]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.