Texas Lady Subdued With Garden Sprinkler After Screaming ‘White Lives Matter’

This video went viral a couple days ago, but I just saw it and it made me happy so I thought I should share. Nothing wrong with being a couple days late to a party if the party is still a fun party.

NY Post

Ian Doherty, of southwest Austin, said the incident unfolded Oct. 7 when a woman parked in the middle of the street and flew into a 30-minute tirade because his neighbor’s Black Lives Matter flag was more visible than the American flag — as well as a slew of unrelated gripes, KXAN-TV reported.

“She adopts a really aggressive stance, and she told me to turn my water hose off, and I just wasn’t going to do it,” Doherty told the outlet. “I’m on my property, and she was being ridiculous and abusive and saying the worst things for half an hour. I’m not going to back down on my property.”

Of course there are usually two (or more) sides to a story. But all we have is what we’ve heard from Ian Doherty—southwest Austin’s greatest sprinkler samurai. Thus, we have to go off his accounting of this dark day.

Apparently this woman was driving along this quiet street, spotted a BLM flag that was featured more prominently than the house’s American flag, and could not continue with her day. That injustice immediately short-circuited her brain as she stopped in the middle of the street and barked “WHITE LIVES MATTER” on repeat for half an hour.

Do you know how long half an hour is?

If you pulled ANY food item out of your cupboard and the microwave directions said to nuke it for 30 MINUTES, you’d throw it away. That’s simply too much time for a baked potato, frozen casserole, or a dedicated break in your day to scream three words on a loop. Even if it was “I LOVE YOU” as you tried to get your ex back, you’d probably give up after 12 minutes. Nobody wants to be that guy 13 minutes in.

Repeating the same phrase for half an hour sounds like that old detention punishment of writing a phrase on the chalkboard, or something dumb you might have to do when you join a fraternity. It even reminds me of that SUPER creepy record-skipping that plays in the background of the movie The Strangers for the entire third act, when things go realllllly poorly for Liv Tyler and her man. At some point, we need to hear something different. Switch it up for the sake of variety.

With all that in mind, is it any surprise that she was completely flummoxed by a gentle garden sprinkler? Stymied by the six streams of subjugation? Incapacitated by the incessant jets of hell?

“You’re gonna lose that battle,” says the charming, entertained neighbor.

But she shouldn’t, Maryanne. Nobody should ever lose a battle to a sprinkler in the same way that no one should ever lose a fight to a hamster. Children play with these things. They squat over them and redirect the jets off their grundles, giggling hysterically as though they’re peeing HARD. Since WHEN has a sprinkler brought ANYONE to their knees?!

There is a point in the video, around the :40 mark, where she literally falls to her knees. It almost looks like she’s praying for him to stop as he says “please get off my property. I will defend myself on my property.” It’s very easy to envision this scenario unfolding differently—instead of a sprinkler, he has a gun. It is Texas, after all. But luckily for us, God (or whatever) decided to run the PG programming for the day, and a group of women was there to document it.

No charges filed. Nobody hurt. The only damage? One thoroughly soaked ego and a properly-watered lawn.


BroBible Newsletter - The best sports and culture news directly to your inbox

* indicates required