Hey, remember that time Monica Lewinsky gave the President of the United States a blowie, but you were a little too young to know what a blowjob was but pretended to anyway just to look cool at recess?
That scandal was fucking huge. Imagine how ubiquitous it would be today with Twitter and Facebook and all that other shit that gives stupid people a platform to project their stupid opinions. My God.
Anyhoo, thanks to the aforementioned social media outlets mentioned above, you’ve probably already heard about Beyonce’s HBO visual album, Lemonade, that aired this weekend. A large part of the hour long special centered around a man, presumably Jay-Z, cheating on Beyonce with “side chicks,” including “Becky with the good hair.”
In Beyonce’s song, Apathy, she very pointedly addresses infidelity:
So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted. Most bomb pussy, who because of me sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness, her god was listening. Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.
The internet gobbled all this juicy gossip up, and even making guesses on who this Becky chick could be. With all the noise and outrage surrounding the project, one tweet stands alone in all it’s glory. And that tweet was written by the famous famous side chick in American history.
Gotta hand it to Monica here. It’s a relief that she can laugh at the fact that her name is synonymous with dicks in mouths. She could cure cancer and it would probably just be a footnote on her Wikipedia page. If my life was defined by one forgettable sexual experience, I’d change my name to Raphael and move to Colombia.
P.S. Would there be a greater story in American history than if Hillary got elected and immediately got eaten out by one of her interns, then addressed the nation by saying “my work is done here” before dropping the mic and never to be seen again? Put her on the $20 bill after that brilliant 20-year long play act of redemption.