John Cena Looks Like He Has Spent Every Waking Minute Since Nikki Bella Breakup Lifting Heavy Objects

by 2 years ago

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We’ve all had that moment following a breakup when we commit to transforming out of a relationship body into a single body. For the uneducated, a relationship body is the equivalent of a yellow Starburst–it’s not bad, but no one would prefer it. An RB, as we call it in the industry, is about 15 pounds and 7% body fat above your single frame, and hovers right on the line between having a small FUPA that protrudes over your belt and needing an inhaler to go up an escalator. You do just enough to exercise walking around the gym until your phone dies to give off the impression that you haven’t totally given up, juuuust enough so your triceps don’t give out when your holding yourself up during a 3-minute sex session in the missionary position, because that’s the only position you’re familiar with at this point in the relationship.

But, the single body. My oh my. The single body is bound by nothing. A microcosm of what’s possible. The Stefon to your RB’s Steve Urkel. Just as male peacocks boast  their impressively sized and patterned plumage for mating purposes, a single man’s best shot at securing a mate is a steady upper body regiment. You can’t be looking like the offspring of Professor Sherman Klump and the Michelin Man in your Tinder photos or else you’re going to be sentenced to a lifetime of beating your meat like a battery-drained TV remote.

I don’t think millionaire wrestler, actor, and philathropist John Cena would have that problem, but the latest photo he posted on Twitter suggests that he’s subscribed to the single body lifestyle just three weeks after he and Nikki Bella have called it quits for good.

I mean, this is yoked for even John Cena.

We get it John, you’re single and you have a bunch of long water snakes swimming through your biceps.

Hey John, I’m trying not to think of your scrotum, but I’d have to assume it’s the size of a gumball. Gumball scotums defeat the purpose of a single body. Find a happy medium. Love, A Concerned Admirer.

I hope you find love again, Mr. Cena.

TAGSFitnessJohn Cena