Chrissy Teigen Dressed Up As Guy Fieri For Halloween And It Will Give You A Confused Boner


But a boner, nonetheless!!

But still, a confused boner–because this, by all accounts, looks like an anorexic Guy Fieri with less porous skin. My boner is an intuitive little fucker, however, and can anticipate that the goddess behind the disguise is no other than supermodel and future mother of my neglected children Chrissy Teigen.

I do not care that her husband is endlessly likable and they are a beautiful couple and a reminder to an entire generation that true love really does exist, I am a millennial and believe things should just be given to me, void of any merit or effort.

My boner doesn’t stand up often these days because alcohol usually puts it in a sleeper hold but no amount of Jack Daniels can overpower this:



Even if she does look literally exactly like Guy Fieri, I’m not above a little role play.



Nevermind, I’ll just queue up a PornHub vid.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.