Ridiculous Yelp review of Mickey Finn’s Brewery

by 5 years ago


It doesn’t matter that you haven’t heard of let alone set foot in Mickey Finn’s Brewery. This Yelp review stands on its own merit against the finest works of R. L. Stine or Matt Christopher. Let’s break down his finer points of wisdom.

Libertyville is a suburban town that has a few options for post-work happy hour and medium-scale restaurants. To that end, Mickey Finn’s provides both a bar and a restaurant. It has decent enough food and average service, until you experience one of the horror stories mentioned in the other reviews.

We all appreciate you pointing out that suburban cities are capable of having multiple restaurants. I actually had no idea. I thought every town was cut off after their first Cracker Barrel.

My own involved a beautiful woman, a lecherous husband, a jealous housewife, and a neurotic manager.

Since Mickey Finn’s is in the ‘burbs, some of the patrons are married with children. This creates a challenge for the husbands to control their perverted impulses, or at least conceal their wandering eyes from their wives when an attractive woman is present.

More breaking news: Some people in the ‘burbs are married and even have kids! If you want to generalize, say “all people in the ‘burbs are married with children.” They also all drive mini-vans full of Capri Sun sucking soccer players.

I was fortunate enough to bring such an attractive woman to Mickey Finn’s for dinner. Unfortunately, a husband at the table behind us couldn’t take his gawking eyes off my date’s derriere. Needless to say, his troll of a housewife was quite jealous and asked the manager to assist in retaliating for her own husband’s indiscretion. In the interest of good customer service for everyone, the manager could have displayed class and decorum and tapped me on the shoulder to explain the situation. Instead, the manager stood across the table from us and shouted out, about how this bar is a classy restaurant and we were being indiscrete, in a grandiose show that was a blatant attempt to appease the jealous housewife. Class and decorum indeed.

I hate to nitpick because I screw things up all the time, but “indiscrete” isn’t a word. If you’re going to rant online with words like lecherous and grandiose, don’t ignore the red squiggle. While you may not have liked the manager’s alleged action, which I doubt happened, what would him explaining the situation to you have done? If you really weren’t being indiscreet, it sounds like their problem, not yours. Were you going to leave? Were you going to punch the guy and then nail his housewife out of spite? No, you would have sat there like an idiot staring at your plate of tots while trying to think of a terrible joke about how your date had a hot ass.

All I could think at the time was, “What’s going on here?” Later, my date explained what happened and how the jealous housewife probably was a regular who lied to the manager about how we were displaying public displays of affection only because she was bitter that her emasculated husband couldn’t take her eyes off my date.

You’re displaying public displays of asshattery right now. If he was emasculated, he wouldn’t have the balls to stare at a hot chick’s ass right in front of his wife.

If you are a regular and they treat you well, feel free to keep going.

However, please be wary of the customer service, as Mickey Finn’s is fickle, as noted in other customer reviews. I had always viewed their service as marginal, but kept attending over a few years with fellow workers in Libertyville, as the place seemed adequate enough for happy hour or a casual date. Now, I will never attend Mickey Finn’s again.

Given that I found this because the brewery posted it on Facebook, I’m guessing they’re happy you won’t be back.

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