As everyone gears up for spring break by running frantically between stores for condoms, tanning oil and party accessories alike, it’s important that we take a moment of silence for the mass amount of dignity that will be lost within the next several weeks…
Done? Good. Now let’s get to some tips to help you (and your self-respect) survive the upcoming week-long drunken escapade. It’s also important to note that these are merely guidelines to help you and in no circumstances should they be seen as rules, because then you would have no ridiculous and exaggerated stories to tell your friends.
1. Wear Sunscreen
No one wants to be the kid that passes out in the sun for 8 hours on the first day without sunscreen. So, if you’re prone to black-out-pass-outs for the love of God wear sunscreen and at least make an attempt to find a chair in the shade. You’re going to hate yourself if for the rest of the week people are constantly slapping you on your sunburn and I’m going to be sitting here saying I told you so. Areas to pay special attention to are: your nose/forehead and your shoulders; ladies, no one is attracted to legs that look like tomatoes.
Is making this mistake worth the story? How badly do you want a nickname for the week?
2. Wear A Condom
The fact that I know I have to put this on this list is seriously disappointing. Being in a drunken-stupor for 7 days straight does not mean you can throw all civilized practices out the window. You still have to wear a condom and she still has to consent to sex; this is Cancun, not 4000BC. Also, be prepared at all times because spring break is a wild magical place, but don’t be the guy that brings a 48-pack. Seriously, you plan on having sex over six times a day? Good luck with that.
Is the story worth the mistake? Depends how often you want to tell people that your child resulted from a one-night-stand in Mexico.
3. Don’t Catch Feelings
To some, it may seem like a good idea to profess your love for a specific classmate while on vacation in another country. Let me tell you, it is not. Not only are there too many outliers that could affect the situation at any time, but it’s also not fair to her. What right do you have to ruin her week based on your third-grade-level-crush? Even if it goes well, do you really want to throw away what could be the best week of your life for a girl you’ll date for a few months before finishing the semester? Plus, you could have my luck and she’s actually only interested in making out with your best friend under the moonlight on the beach and you somehow get punched in the face anyway.
Worth it for the story? Do you want to tell your friends how you saw your crush leaving another dude’s room and wasted at least 12-potentially-booze-filled-hours crying?
4. Don’t Leave The Resort
This doesn’t apply as much to American destinations like Florida but is do-or-die advice when it comes to Mexico and Cuba. Walk off the resort and you literally may get kidnapped. Once, one of my friends was found wandering through a Cuban swampland at 4am. Additionally, don’t sleep with locals. Seriously, it happens; girls try to get impregnated and guys try to woo you into taking them home to the promise land.
Adventure-to-danger ratio? Apparently I’m still telling the story of my friend in the swamp so I suppose it could be worth it?
5. Know Your Limits
Everyone throws up once in a while but it’s probably not in your best interest to projectile-vomit all over the entrance to the resort having just got off the bus from the airport. Try to save your composure until at least the third night, when it’s not quite as embarrassing and someone will have likely already done something worse. This is especially important if you’re not a fan of the-puke-and-rally, and take a day or so to recuperate.
Story-worthiness? If you’re going to throw up, do it from the highest roof you can find, but preferably without other partygoers below.
6. Don’t Spend All Your Money In One Place
Honestly, there’s not much worse than spending half the week treated like a peasant by resort bartenders because you spent all your tip money within the first 48-hours. One of my friends actually spent so much of his money that he didn’t have enough to pay to leave the country (it’s ~$30 cash to leave Cuba) and we ended up having to collect change from other students on party busses on the way to the airport.
Do I do it for the story? Depends how you spend the money. Ordering 400 tequila shots to cover the entire bar and tipping $200 is legendary but getting blackout and paying a hooker is not.
7. Resist All Urges To Prank Your Friends
Because my friends and I are troublemakers we took it upon ourselves to initiate a prank war with another room of our friends. Being the resourceful smart-asses we are, we captured a wild chicken and loosed it in our friends’ room. Obviously we thought this was the prank of all pranks, and obviously we were wrong. One morning one of my roommates and myself returned to find the floor of our entire suite had been covered in plastic cups filled to the brim with water and the only space was in the center of the room where there laid a giant aloe vera penis.
Worth it? Absolutely, we still have the video of the chicken being released into their room (the chicken was fine afterwards you animal rights activist bastards).
8. Don’t Think You’re Too Cool For Themed Resort Activities
Don’t underestimate the intensity of resort Ping-Pong tournaments when all of the participants are drunk as sailors. One day our resort hosted a Guys vs. Girls fitness competition where the last event was who could eat the most bananas in a minute. My roommate ended up eating all of the bananas on the table and actually stole more from the ladies. Honestly, I’ve never seen so many 19-year-old strangers get so excited over something in my life.
“But Sean, what if I am too cool for themed resort activities?” You said you wanted stories, I’m just here trying to help.
9. Don’t Expect To Be Bringing All Of Your Stuff Home
Think of how often you lose things when you’re drunk. Now think of how often you lose your sunglasses when you’re sober and realize you better bring like 15 pairs of sunglasses. You’re going to lose bathing suits, shirts, your dignity, underwear, beer funnels, your friends, etc. My suggestion is not to be too attached to anything (including your friends) because in the words of Jimmy Tatro: that’s why you brought extra.
Where’s the story here? I guess if you really wanted something to talk about you could bring absolutely nothing home?
10. Enjoy The Little Things
This may come as a shock to some of you but spring break isn’t all about sleeping with as many people as possible. Depending on how far along your student-career is, chances are you only have a few spring breaks left. Never again will you and your drunk friends be surrounded by thousands of other drunk friends, all partying together for the common goal of having the best spring break ever. Basically what I’m saying is: enjoy the shitty breakfast buffets, the lack of high-grade booze and the stiff twin beds because five years down the road you’re not going to look back and count how many new kills you got, but you are going to remember hiding on the roofs from resort security.
[Header image via Shutterstock]