So I just found out today that an infidelity site that leaked confidential information of 37 million dirtbags and bolstered its user base with robot chicks to lure men is still alive and well. A bajillion lawsuits and a few suicides from unfaithful dudes later, and Ashley Madison has limped back into the picture like Judas showing up at Jesus’ bachelor party looking for a lap dance.
In a desperate attempt to run away from everything it once stood for, Ashley Madison has undergone a massive image overhaul. It’s brought on a new CEO in Rob Segal and a new president in James Millership, who have changed the name of the media company that owns Ashley Madison from Avid Life Media to ‘Ruby’ in an attempt to sound more feminine.
And remember the blunt slogan they once operated under: “Life’s short. Have an affair.” Not going to fly under this completely virtuous new ownership. The new slogan is “Find your moment.” Whatever the fuck that means.
To reflect this new image change, Ashley Madison will be running a few television spots that will run later this month if for nothing else than to spark a lot of awkward conversations between happy couples just trying to watch Top Chef.
And they’re fucking hilarious. Each spot is tastefully shot and coupled with an emo acoustic jam that sound like a cheesy David Gray knockoff.
Check out this chick “finding her moment” at a hotel after basically having an orgasm when she catches eyes with Old Man River at the checkout counter. Totally believable.
Or how bout this certified beta male whose highlight of his life is smiling at a girl on a subway. You don’t need a mistress bro. You need a fucking hobby.
And lastly, maybe the most unbelievable of all. A waitress approaches a couple at a stuffy party and gives them a “let’s all fuck look.”
Yo I’ve spent years trying to warm girlfriends up to the idea of a threesome, to no avail. You expect me to believe that this hot chick is going to waltz up to this couple and basically drop trou right then and there??
Go home, Ashley Madison. You’re drunk.