Bro Thought He Was Walking Into A Threesome But Instead Walked Into What Was Probably A Crack Den


Threesomes are right up there with ‘become a millionaire’ and ‘stop being the family disappointment’ on every bro’s bucket list. Sure, they’re a tad misogynistic and sexist, but also, it’s not like all parties aren’t in agreement. You can’t trick someone into having a threesome. At least not that in any ways that I’m aware of. So, when a threesome falls into a bro’s lap, often they start thinking with their dick head and not their actual head. You get a little excited and don’t think things through as well as you normally would. Like Kyle Barber, a bro from across the pond, who hit it off with a girl on a dating app and accepted an invitation to join her and her hot cousin between the sheets.

To start things off, Barber is a gambler. Professional, sure, but ballsy one is more like it. How ballsy? Well, he got an ass tattoo because he lost a bet. Kind of like someone in our office did, but this guy permanently inked up his ass, which is probably hell to explain when his one-night stands watch him walk to the bathroom. “What’s that on your ass?” “Oh it’s…uh…it’s poop. I pooped myself during sex earlier. It must dribbled over there and dried up.” So, as a gambler, it’s not too surprising that he took a long-shot as long as this one.

Via Lad Bible:

“One day he got a message from a woman asking him to take a friend to her house for some fun with her and her cousin the following night. Kyle being the care-free type thought, “Fuck it, what can go wrong?”

At the pub, six or seven pints down and Kyle receives a message from the girl telling him to come over that night. The only problem was that he didn’t have anyone to take with him so he told her but she replied that her cousin would be up for a threesome if she was drunk.

“Well that was it, my life long dream of making love to two women at the same time was going to be fulfilled,” Kyle told us.

He quickly called a taxi, popped into Asda for a litre of vodka and was on his merry way.”

First off, great idea on Barber’s part to get drunk before jumping into this one. Liquid courage is never a bad idea. Ever. Not even at a funeral.

Barber’s experience, however, got real more exciting once he got inside.

“”I walk into this flat and immediately smell cat shit. It reeks of shit. I close the door and walk up stairs to the living room. It was fucking disgusting. The room was covered in rubbish, there were plates down the side of the sofa, flys flying about like they were auditioning for The Ring 3 and a single bed at the end of the room that looked like it was used to give birth on.”

“I pretend like this stuff doesn’t affect me and I make a joke and we have a little laugh. I ask them to sort some drinks out while I go to the toilet but before I left, I notice one of the girls grab a cup from underneath the sofa to pour the vodka in.”

“I open the bathroom door – or should I say fly waiting room – and it was covered in shit. I leave the bathroom pretending I’m on the phone to my brother to tell them he’s on his way. I ask them their address and pretend to pass it on. I sat down for ten minutes and pretended to drink vodka and then tell them he’s outside.

“They asked, ‘You want us to come with you?’ to which I replied ,’No, I’ll be back in two minutes’.””

Hot take: This isn’t as surprising as it should be. What cousins want to bang the same dude at the same time? Crazy ones. There are certain things you have to be potentially willing to ignore in a girl if she’s going to let you and another girl climb on top of her simultaneously. Gucci Mane tattoos, daddy issues, revolting bodily scars resulting from a car accident that has damaged the girl’s perception of self-worth enough to allow a man to bring another woman into the bedroom with them as long as he didn’t leave. Really, looking at that list, a dirty bathroom and cat feces isn’t even that hard to swallow. Especially considering who was going to be swallowing Barber (Hey-Oh!!). Alas, Barber kind of dropped the ball on this one, since he obviously never went back. Next time? Easily bring the girls back to your place and then just call the police when you want them to leave. “Officer!! Thank God you’re here!! I’m outnumbered here!! How could I possibly be doing anything wrong?!”

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