Earlier today my co-worker, David Covucci, made an absolute fool of himself by posting a strongly worded piece on the superiority of Nacho Cheese Doritos over Cool Ranch Doritos.
At their best, his arguments were patently silly. At their worst, they were the ramblings of a deeply deranged man.
Now, normally I wouldn’t debase myself by rolling around in such low-minded slop, but I just happened to be wearing my work boots today.
So let’s dive in.
Covucci’s first argument is that Nacho Cheese Doritos should be given credit for tasting like something. And he’s right. They do taste like something. It’s just not nachos.
No, Nacho Cheese Doritos tastes like someone poured lemon Pledge on a pile of dust swept up from a restaurant kitchen. Not exactly appetizing. His argument that his prefered flavor is some sort of natural food is laughable. Have you ever looked at your hand after eating a bag? Hell, have you ever felt the orange residue burning through your epidermis? That can’t be healthy.
Just mentioning Nacho Cheese Doritos will get you cooked out of a Brooklyn co-op. Trust me, it happened to a guy I know. He sleeps on the streets now.
Cool Ranch Doritos, on the other hand, taste like a brilliantly seasoned garlic aioli sauce on a golden brown tortilla. It is a refined taste for a refined audience. A Cool Ranch man has class. A Nacho Cheese man uses his t-shirt as a napkin and is usually out of shirts. A Cool Ranch man is a risk-taker, an action-taker. A Nacho Cheese man lives in his parents’ basement and does not attend his high school reunions.
And I’ll tell you another thing: nothing will disappoint kids faster than saying “hey, we have Doritos” and then opening up a bag of Nacho Cheese. You can practically see their hearts break in real time. I can’t imagine how many unresolvable parent-child conflicts have cropped up over being forced to eat subpar Doritos. It’s heartbreaking to even think about.
Many of you will say this post was unnecessary. Someone will say it’s a tremendous waste of time instead of a regular ol’ waste of time.
But I felt I needed to say these things just to show there are a few people with their heads screwed on right over here. And maybe, just maybe, it will give other Cool Ranch enthusiasts the courage to speak up and fight for what they believe in.
Make no mistake. This is a crucial issue with no middle ground. So choose with with your heart, your mind and your taste buds. Choose Cool Ranch.