I usually try to avoid writing about ghosts / hauntings and what-not because most of the stories are stupid. Typically they wind up to be along the lines of “Then the room got really cold because the ghost walked in, and when I looked in the fridge someone had taken a bite of my sandwich!” In reality, your house probably has shitty air circulation and you forgot that you ate part of your sandwich.
But this story? It’s…extra stupid. So here we are.
One day Deborah Rawson was sitting around the house, minding her own business, when weird shit started “happening.”
Deborah says: “I’d just finished cleaning and sat down at my kitchen table for a break when a strange feeling came over me.
“It felt as if my chair was wobbling and the tablecloth slid to the floor, taking a plant with it.
That’s called indigestion, go take some Tums and you’ll be skippy-dippy in about 30 minutes. What? You don’t care about my commentary? Fine, we’ll keep going.
I saw a misty cloud floating in front of the kitchen window. Slowly, it formed into the shapes of three strangers.
“One was a good-looking bloke in his 30s in black trousers and a white shirt. A woman stood next to him, also about 30, in a long pink dress.
“On the floor was a little girl about five years old. She had mousy brown hair and red tights, and looked the picture of innocence.”
Normal ghost shit, right? Well here’s where the weird sex-twist you’ve been waiting for comes into play.
“From then on I felt Mark wanted something from me,” she says. “He would pull at my dress and one time it felt as if he had pinned me down on the sofa. Another night, as I was falling to sleep, the duvet flew off and I felt Mark’s hand on my thigh.”
She would also hear grunts and groans coming from the bathroom and felt “scared and spooked” by the horny apparition.
Deborah and Kevin’s 23-year marriage began to crumble, and they stopped sleeping together.
“One night when she was passing the bathroom door she thought she heard him whispering to someone on his mobile. He sounded turned on, saying things like ‘Hmm, yes, do that.’
“So she recorded it on her phone through the door, then confronted him. But when they played the tape back, it sounded nothing like Kevin!
Gotta give Mark the Ghost credit, that’s some sneaky shit right there. Most ghosts go with the classic “OooOoOOoOoooohh!” throughout the house, but this one? Mind games all the way. Unfortunately for the couple even a Catholic priest’s exorcism couldn’t Mark the Ghost outta her pants.
They contacted a Catholic priest who said prayers and sprinkled holy water in all the rooms. And it did work – but not for long.
“Things were quiet for a few days – then I felt Mark’s breath on my neck again,” says Deborah.
If you’re worried whether or not Deborah and Kevin are still together, don’t worry: they are (wa-hoo). They wound up moving out of their house into one that didn’t have ghosts pawin’ at your hoo-hah 24/7 instead of capitalizing on the gold mine they were sitting on. Just throw up a few signs in the front yard that say “HAUNTED HOUSE, GHOSTS WILL TOUCH YOU” and wait for the crazies who wanna get molested by ghosts to start rollin’ in. What could go wrong?