Couple Tries To Sell Their Baby For $500 to $1,000 Because…You Know….Crack


How much would you say you’re worth? Few thousand? Few hundred thousand? Couple hundred? Let’s take me: I’m a 23 year-old blogger who moonlights as a bartender, less to actually serve people drinks and more to hit on the hot moms who aren’t wearing wedding rings. And yes, I am assuming that most of these women are moms simply because they’re older than me, but whatever. It’s way more charming to tell a woman she looks ‘motherly’ than ‘hot for her age’. Believe me. I’ve tried both. So, as someone who writes on the Internet by day, makes older women feel better about themselves while also serving them their 10th glass of red wine by night and isn’t that hard to look at, I’d say I’m worth a cool $50,000. Roughly a year of college. Why? Well, for one, if I disappeared, who would be forcing you to ask these serious questions about yourself and your self-worth? For another, there’d be hundreds sad moms out there, slowly withering away from heartbreak. I’m here for the moms, bros. They need me. If I ever get ransomed, that’s where you go first. Pass the hat around at Book Clubs and PTA meetings. You’ll raise the money in no time.

However, as a 23 year-old, my life is pretty set in stone. As I’m writing this, I’m peaking. If life is a plateau, I’m about halfway through my walk across the flat top of it. I’m not going any higher and soon it’s going to be all downhill. So, with that logic, the younger someone is, the more they are worth. They have so much life yet to live. No one knows which 4 year-old kid is going to be the next Elon Musk. We can’t take any chances. Top dollar for the youths of America. Which an argument these two Parents of the Year have obviously never heard since they tried to sell their 3 month-old baby to the babysitter for $500 to $1,000.

OK, it may not explicitly state this, but these two have to be crackheads. Right? You have to be desperate for something if you’re willing to part with a commodity that precious and lucrative. Either that or they just really didn’t want that poor baby. How can you hate babies? They sit around and love people. They’re essentially dogs with thumbs. Sure, they cry a lot and can’t control their body’s removal of waste, but neither can drunk people. Or drug addicts. If anything, these two crackheads should really bond with the baby. They’re essentially the same genus of person, except the two parents have been on earth long enough to have the opportunity to drop out of high school.

I think the true proof that these two are drug addicts is how much they were underselling the baby for. Let’s do a little math. I’m 23 and worth $50,000. Including the fact that my birthday was a month ago, I was born 277 months ago. So, since the baby is 3 months old, divide 277 by 3, giving us 92. Meaning that baby is worth, at the very least, 92x as much as I am. So 50,000 x 92 = $4,600,000. But no, definitely try and pass the baby off for like 0.0001% of what it’s worth. That’s logical. It’s almost as logical as trying to sell a baby in the first place. This is America. You can sell a lot of thing illegally, but babies is pretty much where everybody draws the line.