— april brucker (@aprilbrucker) April 27, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsIf someone ever dumped me because he decided that the 16 creepy looking dolls he keeps in his basement are more important than I am, sure I might be a little sad but come on. He picked glorified stuffed animals over me; can you say “dodged a bullet”? No? Well that’s okay, since whatever poor schmuck got conned into dating April Brucker is probably saying it right now wherever he is, considering April decided “Well I could get married…or I could fuck around in my basement with muppets. Hmm…muppets it is!”
April Brucker, 30, was told by her boyfriend ‘it’s me or the puppets’, and she chose the puppets, which cost her around £14,000 a year.
At one point she dumped the dolls, but says soon after she realised she was ashamed of the decision – concluding they were ‘her children’ so gave him the boot instead.
The singer, model and writer said: ‘Yes, they are expensive, but if they need things, they need things. ‘I will go without clothes for them. I’m a parent – that’s what you do.’
No, that’s not what you do. They are puppets. They do not need clothes. If you stab them they will not bleed, and if you go without feeding them for months they will sit there and collect dust rather than wither away and die like whatever life ambitions you apparently once had have done.
According to April, her now ex-fiancé apparently felt “jealous” of the puppets, which I imagine is an emotion you never would expect to feel towards inanimate objects. Am I jealous of the Yankee candle sitting on the nightstand in my apartment? Sure it doesn’t have to pay rent/feed itself/learn to be an adult, but on the other hand it’s a fucking candle. I give as many shits about that candle as it does about me, which is 0. April, on the other hand, feels the exact opposite that I do.
‘He said, “It’s me or the puppets”. I wanted to be with him, so I stayed with him. But after eight more months, I realised. In the end, my puppet children are all I have.
Uh, yeah, because you gave up having a relationship with a real person for puppets.
‘They have never disappointed me. Like men have.’
It’s a two-way street lady, you can’t go around saying “All the men in my life have disappointed me!” when at the same time you’ve been dumping them to hang out with these horrifying abominations: