Heading To The Mall Today? Here’s Why It’s The Worst

by 5 years ago

There are some places on this big, blue Earth of ours that attract only the purest forms of human garbage. Cruise ships are one such place, brimming with slobs who never leave the 24-hour buffet and chain smokers who never leave the casino slots. Chuck E. Cheese is another one, and I cringingly think about my fifth birthday party and how I hadn’t the slightest idea at the time how disturbing those places are.

With the holiday season swiftly approaching, I’d like to talk about arguably the most evil of these social institutions: your local neighborhood shopping mall.

Malls suck hard. Like, SUPER hard. The mall is a unique place because its worthlessness is directly proportional to the amount of expensive shit it tries selling to dumbasses who go there. All malls have 11 irrelevant stores for every one store I actually care about, and I avoid most of them in order to dodge the patrons who regularly populate them.

First, we have the suburban moms. I’m a product of sheltered private schools, so unfortunately I’m entirely too familiar with this fake group of bitches. These moms expect everyone to be excessively polite to them because they truly believe it’s their world and everyone else just lives in it.

They can find an insult in a bouquet of roses and are usually the ones making a scene in Nordstrom because the checkout line is too long. When they’re not at home helicopter parenting their children, they’re out in public making everyone’s lives miserable.

Then there are the stupid high school kids (usually the offspring of the aforementioned moms) who entertain themselves with dildos at Spencer’s Gifts because they can’t get away with drinking yet. You’ll rarely see less than 15 of them roaming the halls of commerce in one pack. Even worse are the couples whose idea of hormone-addled idiocy is taking food court selfies and trying to beat each other’s 2048 score. It’s kids like these that remind me there’s NO dignity in existing between the ages of 13 and 16.

But there’s one particular demographic that’s even less dignified than shitty children and their shitty mothers. These people are a very rare breed. They work at the mall and therefore were probably never breastfed as children.

They are the smarmy, annoying, imposing, makeup-peddling, smoothie-making kiosk workers, the underachieving misfits of the retail world who exist only because they can.

Some mallgoers act nice and let the kiosk workers give their spiel because they feel bad. I, on the other hand, am not one of those mallgoers. I have a difficult time feeling sympathy for people who make me walk in elliptical arcs to avoid them. I just wanna walk 30 feet without some douchebag milkshake coming up to me to sell me a Bob Marley t-shirt with a thousand pot leafs all over it.

Malls are social plagues because they’re usually just the beginning. When one goes up, a million restaurants, apartments, and office buildings form around it. What should’ve only been a place to pick up sports bras and Sbarro’s quickly becomes its own sprawling metropolis.

Once that happens, there are incomprehensible amounts of traffic every hour of every weekend. It becomes your mission to cut off as many Honda Odysseys as possible without actually killing anyone. In a few short weeks, every road within two miles of mall will be a veritable feast of horrible driving. I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT!

Especially on Black Friday. Jesus Christ, Black Friday will be absolutely miserable. I can’t talk about this shit anymore without getting a migraine.


TAGSmallsthe mall