How to Never Do Laundry Again

One bad apple ruins the bunch, one methadone clinic ruins the neighborhood’s property value, and one nasty, sweaty t-shirt from a full morning of hungover basketball that now reeks of booze, blood, and that one weird Armenian kid’s body spray will ruin a clean-ish hamper full of clothes. Where once these garments could have just been aired out and reused without notice, they will now be permeated with the smell of gym infused with Armenian passion. Consider the reality where you don’t use the hamper and you just shake out your clothes each day. Suddenly the frequency of your laundry trips is decreased and those daunting Sundays aren’t as common. Aren’t you happier you now use your laundry basket exclusively for the horribly rank gym shirts, button-downs covered in Wine Wednesday aftermath, and skid-mark-riddled boxers from days when you tempt fate a little too much? You’ve increased the shelf life of your once and twice-worn decently-fresh garments by keeping them away from such filth; yes, sometimes segregation can be the answer.

Much like a grievance, airing out clothes can be effective, but sometimes it’s not enough. Sure they look fine, there’s no evident puke, butt sewage, or errant love on them; however, they have an odor like they spent the last month in a wet basement that’s full of dog breath. Thankfully, though, you own a mesh bag and a bottle of Febreze. Toss the garments in, start spinning said bag, and then pop off round after round of Febreze through that mesh outer wall onto your stank clothes until they’re rejuvenated into smelling “eh, good enough” again. Now the only remaining question is if you’re a Mediterranean-Lavender man or a Vanilla-Moonlight man.

A steady regiment of Febreze and not giving a shit what people think can get you far; generally, to the point where you can just wash the one hamper of repulsively dirty laundry whenever you’re at Mom and Dad’s for the occasional weekend.

My plan isn’t for everyone. The image-obsessed, gelled-out fancy gentlemen who shine their dress shoes and coordinate their ironed t-shirts, even if they’re only going out to buy stamps, won’t go for my scheme. The morbidly obese, constantly sweating and spilling on themselves, would find inevitable difficulties. Really, it’s the often-naked and apathetically-dirty who are destined to thrive in my system. If you’re only wearing a bathrobe or are completely naked for days, well, that’s a significant amount of clothes you haven’t worn. Further, if you don’t care about popping on that same pair of boxers and the jeans for a week because they always seem to be crumpled next to your bed in the morning, again, that’s a considerable amount of your clothes that have remained clean.

Stay naked, stay a little dirty, and stay confident while not giving a shit, or be the rube who is panhandling for laundry quarters every Sunday instead of indulging in naps and nachos.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his archive (which can be found by clicking on his name at the top), and his updates at or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.