If you’re reading this and are in fact an 8th grader I’m going to stop you right here before you get offended. Actually, you’re all probably going to get offended regardless because the reality is that 80% of you suck ass at texting and need to be taught how to text girls. Texting has become a necessary evil when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex and to be honest some of you are shooting yourself in the foot.
Personally, I hate texting; there’s no tone of voice so your jokes can easily be taken the wrong way, there are barely any excuses available to use when you ignore someone’s text for over a few hours (seriously who doesn’t have their phone on them all the time) and quite frankly I don’t want arthritis. However, just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. Texting is like cooking — everyone does it, some people are better than others and everyone can always get better (I said I was good at texting, never said anything about similes and metaphors).
DO – Turn Read Receipts On (Obviously skip this section if you’re a weirdo with an android):
Go turn on your read receipts. Seriously, it’s polite and everyone would prefer to text someone with them on. What, are you afraid you’re going to accidentally open a text and forget to respond? At least this way they’ll know you saw it. Also, don’t ask her to turn hers on; it’s a stupid double standard that we’re just going to let them win because there are better things worth fighting over.
DO — Throw a Phone Call in the Mix:
While texting has its place, it’s not the be-all and end-all of communicating with women. Texting is far more casual while phone calls are mature and serious. Think about where you want your potential relationship with this girl to go before you decide how to approach it; if you’re trying to meet her at the bar shoot her a text but if you’re trying to wife her up call to ask her for dinner.
DO — Know What You Want:
Texting etiquette differs drastically when talking to a potential one-night stand compared to your girlfriend of two years. You probably don’t need to make as much small talk with your bang-buddy so you’ll more or less get straight to the point. Alternatively, you should probably ask your girlfriend how her first day at her new job was.
DO NOT — Overuse Emojis:
This is not MSN messenger and she is no longer impressed by how many emoticons you can use in one text. Honestly just try not to use emojis unless you see it absolutely necessary. Personally I limit my usage to the smirking one, the one that thinks its better than everyone else and the one that screams I’ll just go fuck myself. Before sending a text with an emoji, ask yourself: “Will this text make sense without it?” If the answer is yes then you likely don’t need to use one. On the other hand if you’re being a pretentious smart-ass, as I often am, she might take the joke the wrong way should you choose to leave out the smirking emoji.
DO NOT — Laugh too Frequently:
There are very few things worse than texting someone that adds “hahaha” to the beginning or ending of every text they send. Try to restrain yourself for the times when you are actually smiling at your phone and people around you are looking at you funnier than normal.
PSA: On the same topic, apparently some of you are unaware that “lol” is no longer seen as “laugh out loud” in our society. Just to let you dumb-asses know, it’s now almost always sarcastic (unless of course it comes from your parents in which case they might believe it stands for Lots of Love).
DO — Make Jokes and Keep the Conversation Interesting:
Poke fun at her, say slightly embarrassing things and tell her how much fun you had the night before. Aim to be as clever and witty as possible. This hopefully reminds her that you are relatively fun to be around and won’t bore the shit out of her.
DO NOT — Drag the Conversation out Longer than it’s Worth:
Know when to shut it down. If you’re just texting for the sole purpose of being in contact with her it’s no fun for either of you; no one likes when the conversation drags out for three days. It’s not going to kill you not to reply to her three word text and she’s not going to think you’re boring and clingy. Plus, if she was the last to send a message it doesn’t make you look thirsty when you text her first next time.
DO NOT — Always Text First:
If you’re comfortable with it, you can message her first 90% of the time, that’s fine, but when it comes down to it do you really want to be constantly nagging at her to talk to you? Remember how we weren’t going to fight for her to turn on her read receipts? Well we’re going to fight for this. In a world where equality is the goal, we Bros deserve to be texted first half the time.
DO — Start with Something other than “Hey”:
See something that you know for a fact she would like? Take a picture of it and send it to her. Are you good with jokes? Open with a joke. Does her Tinder bio have more than just her Instagram handle in it? Make reference to something she likes when you message her, anything to make you standout from the other guys trying to get her attention.
Hopefully you’ve all learned something and can take this knowledge into the field where it will help you not text like a boring, clingy, 12 year old who just discovered emojis.
[Header image via Shutterstock]