Screw This Lucky A$$hole and His Ten Million Dollar Fortune Cookie


Carolyn Franks /

Contrary to what you all might believe everybody from Florida doesn’t know every other person from Florida. I don’t know 66-year-old Richard Davis from Boca Raton, but I do know that he’s a lucky asshole and the universe has been far too kind to him. While vacationing somewhere in North Cackalacky (that’s ‘North Carolina’ for you nerds from the West Coast) Richard Davis was chowing down on some Chinese food and decided it might be a good idea to play the numbers written on that little slip of paper tucked inside of his fortune cookie. What happened next is that lucky a$$hole went on to win $10 MILLION DOLLARS after buying a lottery ticket at Publix, the grocery store Where Shopping is a Pleasure.

66-year-old Richard Davis of Boca Raton, Florida (one of the most affluent cities in Florida) didn’t work his ass off for those millions of dollars, no, all he did was indulge himself on vacation in N.C. and when he got back to the Sunshine State tried to keep that vacation going…and it paid off. He took the lump sump / one-time payment on his $10 MILLION DOLLAR JACKPOT and now he won’t have to work another day in his life (though I’m not sure if he was even working before).

The Associated Press / WPTV reports:

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) — A Boca Raton man who claimed a $10 million Florida Lotto jackpot says he used numbers found in a fortune cookie.
The Florida Lottery said Wednesday that 66-year-old Richard Davis claimed the jackpot from a drawing held Aug. 22. He chose to receive his winnings as a one-time, lump sum payment.
Lottery officials say Davis had been playing the multi-state games with larger jackpots but recently switched to Florida Lotto because he thought it had better odds for winning.
He often visits the same Publix store in Boca Raton and plays the same five sets of numbers contained in a fortune cookie he received while visiting a restaurant in North Carolina.
Davis got his affairs in order before claiming the jackpot this week.

Now I’m not one to point fingers, but given that this is my home state of Florida I think it’s safe to assume ‘got his affairs in order’ means that he went around South Florida buying up all the Flakka he could find…right?

The most I’ve ever won playing the lottery was $100 on a scratch-off ticket which I’m actually pretty certain was only a $50 winner but the lady behind the counter fucked up and gave me a crips Benjamin Franklin, a $100 bill which I promptly spent on booze and steak. I’m not saying I deserve to win a $10 million lottery jackpot, after all I’m a pretty awful person, but can the universe find it within its heart to toss me like a grand or something within that range? Preferably sometime this year before the holidays so I’m not feeling the pinch on my holiday shopping come December?

No, the Universe cannot. These are the kinds of fortune cookies I end up with. Not the kinds of fortune cookies that yield $10 million dollar lottery jackpots: