I try to be a fairly “chill” girl. If you cancel on me for dinner because your dog got eaten by a bear, I get that. On the other hand, if you’re late to dinner because you caught the tail-end of SportsCenter’s “Top 10,” well that’s just friggin’ annoying. Of course that would only happen once because I’d immediately withhold sex privileges for a week, but the rest of this list? It all happens so often that I might as well put on a chastity belt and throw away the key.
20. Not knowing how to use an iron. No, your wrinkled clothes do not make you look whimsical, artistic, or laid-back. You look like you don’t live with your mother anymore, and it’s not going so well. Christ, just throw your shirt in the dryer for like 5 minutes so I don’t look like I’m walking around with a raisin. Is that so hard?
19. Staring above your date’s head to check the score. Seriously? Use one of your seven electronic devices to check the score (but not really, but that’s annoying as fuck-all too). Don’t stare at the screen above my head when I’m telling you where I’m from, just wait until I leave the bar. Which, luckily for me, will be soon since you apparently can’t manage to survive sans ESPN for two hours of your evening.
18. Thinking that every girl, ever, in the entire universe, is trying to date you. I asked you what you like to do for fun, not if you were eligible for a long, meaningful romantic relationship. Don’t flatter yourself. Stop assuming that every girl wants your shit. Girls aren’t automatically interested in you because you’re a good-looking dude. When you assume they are, congratulations!
17. Leaving the seat up. I can’t believe I’m even writing this one. Put the seat down after you take a piss in my bathroom. If you don’t, kindly exit my apartment for the rest of eternity.
16. Including the 3 following photos, in order, on your Tinder:
- You and your FAM: How holistic, except your tagline says “World Renowned Poon-tang Slayer 2011.” You’re not fooling anyone above a 6.
- You and your cute DOG. Is it even yours? Or did you grab a stranger’s dog and say, “I need to look like a cute, fun-loving guy on Tinder! Thanks a million!”
- You at the beach with your MUSCLES. Do you have friends that you hang out with in the summer? Or do you just prance about with an oiled-up bod? Is that even a beach? Wait, are you in your living room?
15. Catching a girl’s eye and then not asking for her number. Just man up and do it, because furiously swiping your way through Tinder to see if I happen to be on it is pussy shit. Give that real-life dating thing a try, it’s not that scary once you get past the whole human interaction aspect.
14. Not walking me home. Look, I realize I’m an empowered female in 2014, but walk me home. Not only is it the right thing to do, but if I wind up dead in a ditch somewhere you’ll have been the last person to see me, aka suspect #1. So you’re really just saving your own ass here.
13. Thinking your pseudo-alcoholic tendencies make you a “fun-loving” guy. Drinking 4-6 beers a night is not normal, nor does it make you “super chill.” It makes you a lazy-ass alcoholic.
12. Saying you prefer girls who wear “NO MAKE-UP AT ALL. EVER.” What the hell do you know about make-up? Do you wear it? I’ll do whatever I goddamn please with my face. Unfortunately for you, your eyes are just dull and simply cannot be helped by mascara. Bummer.
11. Calling your mom. Every. Single. Day. Yeah. So I’m obviously talking to the wrong men, but guys do this more than you might think. Just because you’re in the other room speaking in hushed tones doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re asking your mom how much detergent you should put in your load of laundry.
10. Rating girls. This is foul in so many ways. I’m a friggin’ 10 in my book, and I’m looking for a guy who feels the same way. I really, really, REALLY, don’t give a shit about your rating. Fun fact: I’ve noticed a negative correlation between guys who rate girls and guys who get laid. Just saying.
9. Pretending that you don’t care about anything involving human emotions. You and your girlfriend just broke up and you’re totally fine? You haven’t cried yourself to sleep every night this past week and sent her texts on texts on texts about how “I SWEAR TO YOU, I got chlamydia from a toilet seat, you’re the only one for me babe”? Yeah, buddy, stop doing that. You’re a human being, and it’s nicer when you’re real with other human beings.
8. Saying you just don’t have TIME to date someone right now. Um, you seem to have had a lot of time between the hours of 9:00 and 2:00 in the morning lately. But no, no, I get it. You can’t be troubled to get to know a girl in a meaningful way. It’s exhausting and just such a burden!
7. Not sleeping over. I just recently dated a guy who “liked to sleep in his own bed,” even though he considered himself to be my boyfriend. He would come, cum, and then leave. When I told him that I wasn’t a “wham-bam-thank you m’am” type of girl, he looked at me like I had two heads. Stay over.
6. Pretending that you’re super confident all the time. Having sex with a robot is cold, hard, and overall unpleasant, so don’t act like one.
5. Playing video games several hours a day. You’re in your 20s, not your teens. No, I’m not bringing you a beer so you don’t have to interrupt your gaming. Do I look like a fuckin’ waiter? You’re not scoring ladies every time you gain 75 lives in your computer-animated universe. You may be getting lives, but those lives are just as real as the one you obviously don’t have.
4. Not dancing when you’re out. Please dance. You hovering there with a drink and creepy smile does not make me feel intrigued by your pervert-inspired aloof nature. It makes me want to call the police.
3. Not asking me questions. Yes, I realize that your new start-up (or music career) is really taking off and that you’re the most innovative thing to happen on planet earth, but could you ask me something about my life? Like what I’m doing wasting it talking to you?
2. Saying you’re “a laid-back guy” on your dating profile. I generally think laid-back people don’t have to make a point of saying it. Just a thought.
1. Obsessively keeping your options open. Don’t overlook an awesome girl because you have some preconceived notion about getting your rocks off in your twenties before settling down to have a nice family in your early thirties. A cool girl might be staring you right in the face and all you’re thinking is, “Ohhhhh no! I’m too young to meet someone I actually like and care about! Shit!” Sad lives for sad people.
[Image via ShutterStock]