News Anchor Shares His Love For Crystal Meth On Live Television, Then Pretends He’s Just Mething Around

Woo! Bill, comin in HOT. I have no idea if his name is Bill but it definitely is. Tomato/tomahto, Pepsi/meth. Common slip of the tongue. Actually, come to think of it, those two words couldn’t sound any different from one another. What it DOES sound like, though, is that Billy over here is fiending for a little fix. Never judge a book by its cover, bros. Just because Bill looks like you’re all-American well-to-do family man, doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not injecting crystal in the garage after he tucks his family in at night. Just chilling in the driver’s seat of his Mustang with the seat reclined listening to Pink Floyd high as the heavens. Shit, Bill, you should have told me you partied. I would have brought some favors to your last charity event to aid recovering addicts. And I thought you were just fucking around when you reported today’s weather as ‘cloudy with a chance of meatballs’ with a straight face. You were so fucking whacked out you thought it was actually going to rain meatballs, you silly, strung out SCALYWAG, you. God dammit, Bill, from now on, if the news isn’t coming from News6, it ain’t for me.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.