Parrot That Keeps Saying “Don’t F**king Shoot” More Than Likely Witnessed A Murder

I’d be a pretty horrible mobster. Yeah, I’m from Jersey, so I’m already like 60% of the way there, but that’s about where my buck stops. I’m not nearly observant enough to keep the cops at bay while also running a host of illegal operations. Take this avian loose-end in Michigan that apparently witnessed a murder and is now talking about it.

Via LadBible:

“Last spring, Martin Duram was shot and killed in his Michigan home in Ensley Township. Police initially thought it was a double murder as his girlfriend had been shot in the head, she was later found to be still breathing though.

Their rough-mouth African grey parrot though, that saw the whole thing and now it can’t stop muttering the same three words: “Don’t fucking shoot.”

Which sounds like a plotline lifted directly from Twin Peaks, in fact it definitely was. Even more bizarrely, Mr Duram’s parents are now seeking to persuade police to make use of the video.

Now, Michigan State Police reports obtained by 24 Hour News 8 under the Freedom of Information Act list the wife as a suspect, suggesting she tried to pull off a murder-suicide. Glenna Duram has since recovered from the wounds and denies shooting her husband. Mr Duram’s parents told Wood TV that they are frustrated that nobody has been charged in the death and that the police investigation is still ongoing.

They also want Bud (the parrot), to be used as a witness.”

Parrot Law. Drop that gavel, baby, because that parrot saw it all. And by saw it all, I mean he saw that chick shoot her husband and then miss when she tried to shoot herself. Imagine being the cop on this case trying to explain everything to your higher-ups?

“Yeah so our original theory of a home-invasion is probably false and we’re thinking that the wife shot her husband and then failed to kill herself.”
“How did you get to that one?”
“The…uh…the parrot said something and we think it may have witnessed the murder…”
“Do we need to put him on the stand hahaha?”

Honestly, end of the day, I’m messing this one up, too. Granted, this woman more than likely didn’t think about killing the parrot because she was hoping to buy herself a one-way ticket to “I’m Dead-Ville”. But let’s say that there was an actual gunman. That dude’s not going to put a bullet in the bird’s brain to cover his own ass. I guess maybe a true professional leaves no witnesses, but also, it’s a bird. Just because you’re capping the competition doesn’t mean that you hate animals. You can be on a death squad during the week and attend PETA rallies on the weekends. There’s not rules that say you can’t.