Getting drunk is the favorite pastime of many adults and often the obligatory activity when it comes to socializing with one another. It’s that comfort that makes interacting among human beings feel a bit less terrifying.
“How’s your career going?”
*drinks* *audible gulp*
“Well, you know, good.”
*downs the remainder of the drink*
Drinking is the best way to relax your mind and body and unwind from all the terrors of the real world. It makes food taste better. It makes dumb movies funnier. It makes your thoughts seem much more profound than ever. Thoughts which increasingly tell you to drink more and more and more until you’ve successfully gotten to the point of sleep.
That’s when you make your way to bed and whisk away to dreamland. All is perfect in your life, so the drinks have convinced you. You haven’t a care in the world. There’s nothing to worry about, because you’ve numbed yourself of all feelings. You’re completely at ease with all that has transpired.
Then, you wake up.
1. “Oh God, what did I do to myself? Why did I drink so much? Oh, to make the pain go away? Fair enough, but now I’m experiencing real, physical pain of the head pounding variety!”
2. “I really need to get up and go pee to get rid of some of these toxins, but I’m afraid if I stand up I’ll fall over due to still being slightly to highly intoxicated. It’s a catch-22 of toxic proportions!”
3. “Maybe if I just lay here for a bit and blindly scroll through my phone my body can readjust itself to being alive in this world.”
4. “Wait, what is this? What are all these texts? Why did I send a video of myself to my brother and it’s just me sitting in the middle of party doing absolutely nothing? Why did I say, ‘You should be here!’ as the caption to the video? Gee whiz, what else did I do on my phone?”
5. “It’s all coming back to me now. Did I really say that to them? Why am I such a moron? I drink to feel less socially awkward, but then I just do things that I overanalyze what I drunkenly did: a double dose of pain, cringe-worthy conversations and a headache!”
6. “Honestly, seriously, I’m never drinking again after going through all this.”
7. “Can I just call into work? I should just stay in bed all day. I might just pee in this bed. I’ll just buy a new mattress.”
8. “I really should eat something. What’s going to make me feel better, but also potentially cause me long-term health conditions in a negative way? Bacon, yes, I will have bacon. That sweet sizzle is the only cure. Ugh, that means I have to get up though.”
9. “A hot shower could do me some good. Yeah, first a hot shower, then on to the bacon.”
10. “Shampooing my hair is equal parts relaxing and causing my headache to swell to further heights. Is everything going to hurt all day? Why would I do this to myself?”
11. “Does brushing my teeth always cause my ears to ring? Is it always this loud?”
12. “Oh yes, bacon you are my savior!”
13. “What in the fucking hell?! Is the sun always this bright? My eyes, I might be blind. Christ almighty, how do people even see with this giant beam of light on a daily basis? How am I just now noticing this terrifyingly blinding light in this, well, light?”
14. “Am I seriously at work right now? Why did come to work? I’m so damn hungover I may as well have called in sick. I won’t be getting anything done today. I hate this place.”
15. “Oh, that’s why I drink. It’s because of this place.”
16. “I think I need a drink.”
17. “I’m an alcoholic.”
18. “I don’t know how I made it through that day. I think I deserve a drink. Wow, actually after that first sip, it feels like my hangover is finally going away.”
19. “Booze cures hangovers? Rad.”
20. “I know I said I wasn’t going to drink again, but I did put in a full day of work. That’s reason enough right? Plus my hangover is gone now. I was just jumping to conclusions earlier out of spite. Drinking is fine.”
*starts the entire process over again*
Hungover man image by Shutterstock, Beer image by Shutterstock; Shower image by Shutterstock