Mustache Aficionado Don Mattingly Has Tragically Decided To Ban Facial Hair On The Marlins

New Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly has made a formal announcement that the team will have a no facial hair policy. Which is to say, WHAT?

This is a man known by casual baseball fans for his infamous mustache and sideburn clashes with both George Steinbrenner and Mr. Burns, two of the toughest, no nonsense bosses around. The guy was even benched — in real freaking life, not on The Simpsons — by then-Yankees manager Stump Merrill for being too hairy.

Here’s a brief look back at said incident:

“I think [Mattingly] was insulted by the way it was done … the fact that they basically came to him before the game and said, ‘Cut your hair before the game or you’re not playing,’ kind of drew a line in the sand, and Mattingly was a prideful guy. He viewed himself as somebody who never caused a problem.”

You would think something so preposterous would leave a lasting mark and Mattingly would allow players to grow beards long enough to tuck into their pants. I mean, just look at this dude.

But times are a changin’. Here’s Donnie Baseball on the new team policy:

“Guys will whine. Some guys like it, some guys won’t. As long as we’re consistent, I think it’s not that big of a deal,” Mattingly said.

What in the world? This is like Ric Flair banning hair dye.

Damn. You think you know someone… until you don’t.


Writer, Editor, Comedian, and Fashion Critic. Currently in heated negotiations over the rights to Jack Sikma's striking perm and a mold of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's glorious goggles.