Jerry Jones Gloating About Winning The NFL Attendance Record This Season Should Quiet The Haters

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Perspective is a choice.

You see 5’11. I see 6’1”. You see bottom of the NFC. I see NFC East Bronze Medalists. You see a horrible and unpredictable pandemic. Jerry and I see an opportunity to play tonsil hockey with strangers at densely-populated tailgates.

Armed with that chipper attitude, I am pleased to congratulations to the 2020 Dallas Cowboys on Winning One Big Game For Christ’s Sake winning the Attendance Olympics* (*Mid-Pandemic).

“I’m gonna arm wave,” Jones said on 105.3 The Fan. “I think we set the world record for attendance for a venue this year at our stadium, in the world of a pandemic.”

The championship-winning owner was undefeated on the season in the category of Home Games with 20,000+ Attendees, a feat that hasn’t been accomplished in Texas since James Van Der Beek was turning down whipped cream bikinis.

Dude you’re in high school. Whatever grandiose ideas you have about commitment with whats-her-face will evaporate before you put up your first Belushi poster up in your dorm. Seize the opportunity. 

Here are the stats for the Cowboys attendance per home game this season, which also happen to be the number of all-purpose yards they surrendered in each, via TPS:

  • Week 2 vs. Falcons: 21,708
  • Week 4 vs. Browns: 25,021
  • Week 5 vs. Giants: 25,147
  • Week 6 vs. Cardinals: 25,174
  • Week 9 vs. Steelers: 31,700
  • Week 12 vs. Washington: 30,048
  • Week 15 vs. 49ers: 30,092
  • Week 16 vs. Eagles: 30,131
  • Week 16 vs. COVID: 1,830,000 cases

Sheesh, I haven’t seen numbers that big since the candles Jerry blew out at his last birthday bash.

I don’t care who you are or what allegiance you hold dear, seeing Jerry Jones and the tormented Cowboys franchise secure an award of this stature should give you chills.

Especially Cowboys fans. Because they probably are infected.