ESPN’s The Last Dance documentary answers a lot of lingering questions NBA fans had about arguably the most popular team in professional sports history:
Is Dennis Rodman the coolest motherfucker in history? Yes.
Is Isiah Thomas the lamest? Also Yes.
Is Michael going to polish off that entire glass of whiskey? Likely.
The one question that remains on everyone’s* mind (*no one’s) is how the Bulls squad that completed a second three-peat would thrive against all the dudes Kendall Jenner has “thrown her cooch” at. Her words, not mine.
Let’s dive into it.
Ron Harper ’97-’98 Stats:
- Winning Pedigree—won five titles with two different franchises.
- Team Guy—happy to be the bridesmaid, but never the bride.
- Wore Jersey No. 9, my number in my co-ed rec league, where I’m the first guy off the bench and typically foul out before halftime.
- Allowed Craig Ehlo to guard MJ in Game 5 of the 1989 playoffs, resulting in one of the most defining shots of Jordan’s career.
- Name is ‘Ronald.’
- Status of right foot still questionable after orange soda incident.
Ben Simmons Career Averages:
- Shots within 9 inches.
- High basketball IQ.
- Doesn’t get gassed within the first quarter of the game like his teammate.
- Scores fewer threes than I do wearing my best-fitting shirt at a dive bar.
- Doesn’t demand respect—Kendall allegedly cheated on him with two different dudes.
- Trust Issues–particularly surrounding The Process.
MATCHUP ADVANTAGE: BEN SIMMONS
Michael Jordan ’97-’98 Stats:
- Some are saying that aside from LeBron James, Jordan may be the greatest basketball player to ever live.
- Resurrected the NBA in the 90s.
- Won Bill Wennington three NBA titles.
- Went 1-9 in the playoffs without Pippen.
- Dick game severely lacking.
- Eyes the color of bong water.
- Possible cigar addiction?
- Habitually wears suits fit for Greg Ostertag.
Devin Booker (Kendall’s current beau) Career Averages:
- Youngest player in NBA history with consecutive 50-point games.
- Dropped 70 when he was like 16.
- Scored 40 on Ben Simmons and then took Kendall from him.
Michael Jordan Devin Booker Michael Jordan Devin Booker MICHAEL JORDAN
Scottie Pippen ’97-’98 Stats:
- The biggest bargain in the history of professional sports.
- Strength—once pulled Jerry Krause’s underwear over his head with just one hand.
- Size—Ask Madonna.
- Contract negotiations
- Cucked by rapper Future.
- Tendency to get phantom migraines.
Blake Griffin Career Averages:
- Resilient—plays in the city of Detroit.
- Strong social media presence.
- Killer Instinct—once ended a man’s life.
MATCHUP ADVANTAGE: SCOTTIE PIPPEN
Toni Kukoc ’97-’98 Stats:
- Mystique—played on the most popular team in sports history and I still couldn’t tell you one thing about him.
- Takes power shits.
- Jerry Krause truther.
- Teammates evidently do not recognize his existence.
- Half the player Luc Longley was.
Chandler Parsons Career Averages:
- Jen Selter.
- Cassie Amato.
- Toni Garrn.
- My Wife Probably.
- The Official Face of “You Can Beat Me Up, But My Dad Will Sue.”
- Potential locker room distraction—may hook up with wives of teammates, staff.
MATCHUP ADVANTAGE: TONI KUKOC
Dennis Rodman ’97-’98 Stats:
- Unlimited Motor—once had sex with Carmen Electra in Vegas for 48 straight hours.
- Versatility—looks drippy on a motorcycle or in a wedding dress.
- Elite Defender–of his right to party.
- Questionable Availability—may be one of the frontrunners for Kim Jong Un’s throne.
- Communication—I need subtitles when he speaks on The Last Dance.
- Drunk Driving.
Kyle Kuzma Career Averages:
- Spent the last two seasons learning from his GOAT teammate
- Working out all day in quarantine and needs everyone to know it.
- Youth—too young to rent a car, but too old to date Leonardo DiCaprio.
- Trouble accepting role as ‘not the guy.’
- Not Alex Caruso.
- Discount Dennis.
MATCHUP ADVANTAGE: DENNIS RODMAN
Ah, yeah, so I realized about halfway through this article that this matchup wouldn’t even be close, but I was too deep in to surrender to its absurdity. Deal with it.
’98 Bulls: 121, Team Kendall: 68
Ah, Shit. I forgot about D’Angelo Russell.
’98 Bulls: 118, Team Kendall: 83