Do you suffer from near-fatal hangovers? Do you need sunglasses when you open the refrigerator door the afternoon after boozin’? Is your body rejecting traditional methods of recovery? Are there support groups for people like us?
Sadly, gone are the days when I could drink my body weight in alcohol and wake up the next morning, suck down a Gatorade and inhale a bacon, egg and cheese sando and feel brand new. Now, if I drink six or more craft beers in a sitting, don’t even bother texting me for 48 hours because I am in bed with my shades drawn reaching for my phone to text my mother I love her and tell her not to cry for me because I died doing what I love.
But right before I’m drawn to the heavenly light and vague bodily formations of Chubbs Peterson, my grandmother, and late family dog, Gollum, I hear a deep, powerful voice call down to me and say:
“Have you tried CBD Gummies?”
“No,” I respond to God. “I’ve just popped four Advil and drank a gallon of Pedialite. Just take me already.”
“Now is not your time, my child. I’m in a brutal custody war over you with Satan right now,” God retorts. “Remember that time you puked in the collection basket at church? Yeah, that’s not helping your case for salvation.”
“Yo, for what it’s worth I was sporting a mean hangover and the body of Christ needs salt or something,” I say, regretfully.
“I need you to buy me some time. Follow my instructions: Take two CBD gummies and you shall be saved from the torturous depths of your hangover while I work to save you from the tortuous depths of hell.”
“But, but, what are CBD gummies?!” I say frantically.
“I invented Google for a reason, idiot,” the Supreme Being shoots back.
Damn, God’s kind of a dick, I think to myself before immediately searching Google to research these CBD gummies.
What I find is amazing.
Cannabidiol (CBD) is a non-intoxicating compound derived from the cannabis plant that has been blowing up in popularity due to its abilities to naturally remedy the headaches, dehydration, and nausea brought on by a rough night of drinking. CBD has been shown to be an anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and can even act as a natural anti-nausea agent for some people. CBD is not weed, as you know it. It doesn’t contain any THC, so it caters to people who want the clear-headed, functional effects without the psychoactive “high” feeling brought on by THC.
Medical Journals have found cannabidiol to be a neuroprotectant, which can help repair cells that have been beaten down by heavy drinking. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Medicine found that CBD significantly reduced chronic inflammation and pain in some mice and rats, leading researchers to take CBD seriously as a new treatment for chronic pain in humans.
One of the big-time, trusted players in the CBD game is a brand called CBDEE, who sells only the the best CBD products, especially those gummies we love to help remove the axe from your head brought on by a hangover. They are made with all natural ingredients and are free of gluten, dairy, yeast, egg, soy and peanuts.
Encouraged by my research, I pop two CBD Gummies and begin to feel the immense pressure on my temples loosen. My body relaxes. Anxiety fades.
I let out a sigh of relief before hearing my phone buzz.
It’s an email from GOD@hotmail.com.
God’s a hotmail guy? Weird, I think to myself.
I open the email to see the subject title “Don’t Freak Out,” and the body of the email reads:
“Lost the custody battle to Satan. You should’ve forwarded along your Aunt Cheryl’s email chain to 10 friends to achieve eternal salvation, you dope. Bring sunscreen!”
I should be devastated, but the CBD Gummies have given me a second chance at life, and I’m determined to make the most of it.
I reach for the bottle of warm whiskey on my night stand and guzzle it until I can see through the bottom.
CBDEE products can be ordered online from their website and shipped directly to your front door.