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There are few things in this life funnier than a fart.
Well, at least until your poser ass is standing in the middle of the gym hoping to impress a group of fine-looking young women on the nearby treadmills with a massive deadlift, and a real stinker comes firing off from out of nowhere.
Phbbbt!
There’s nothing funny about that.
Okay, admittedly, it would be pretty fucking hilarious.
But not for the fella who dealt it, that’s for sure. This poor bastard, God bless him, would be so mortified that he’d probably spontaneously combust right there on the spot, leaving behind only a pair of shit-stained Fruit of a Loom as a memorial to his life.
Here lies Poopy Pants. Rest In Stink.
The reaction from others in the vicinity of this breaking of the wind would undoubtedly be mixed.
Most would probably laugh about it – because, like we said, farts are funny. But rest assured all of the yuck-yucks and chuckles are going to subside once that shit apparition rises up and smacks them in the face when their mouths are open.
The fuddy-duddies over there in the corner doing Pilates would probably scream out “Eww,” and call you “gross,” before complaining to management.
And you had damn well better believe that you’ll be run out on a rail and possibly even charged with rectal endangerment once the butt funk triggers their gag reflexes in ways they haven’t experienced since they dated a guy named “Big Dick Jim” back in high school.
So, it goes without saying that we should use everything in our arsenal not to rip farts when we’re in a public workout environment.
This task, of course, is much easier said than done.
Farts are anomalies, scoundrels, and instigators of the highest order. So, before we can ever come close to hindering these tests of the emergency butthole system, we must first recognize what causes them to sound off in the first place.
Right here are the leading four culprits that get that old sphincter singing at the most inopportune times.
Pay attention boys, school is in session.
Body Movement Inspires Farts To Come Out
In the gym, the body moves. Not just your arms and legs, but your intestines become more active during a workout.
It’s one of the reasons that a lack of exercise is often attributed to constipation. A man (or woman) really has to inspire that gas building up in the guts to unleash itself into the world. Pumping iron, doing cardio, CrossFit, or even just a walk can be what does the trick.
“Any exercises that involve physical bending or twisting can cause the air in our digestive tract to be literally pushed out,” Peyton Berookim, MD, director of the Gastroenterology Institute of Southern California, said in an interview with Health.
Breathing, In General, Has A Lot To Do With Farts
A fart can sometimes manifest because of the way a gym rat breathes before lifting a heavy weight. The air they take in before performing the lift can sometimes come blasting out the backdoor involuntarily.
But don’t try to restrict your breathing altogether just to avoid farting in the gym.
In many ways, breathing less might even make the situation worse, says Jim White, owner of Jim White Fitness & Nutrition Studios in Virginia.
“An individual’s inability to inhale and exhale properly can cause flatulence at a higher rate,” he said.
Instead, try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. By employing this method (and not sucking in a bunch of air with your mouth), your stomach won’t get filled with as much excess air and start searching for a way out.
Diet Plays A Huge Role In Gym Farts
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Even if your diet no longer consists of cheap tacos and cheaper beer, it could be what you are eating that is prompting you to nearly shit yourself during workouts.
Medical experts say the consumption of foods that are high in fiber will almost certainly produce a fart-friendly environment.
“I often advise my patients to avoid eating high-fiber foods that create lots of gas, such as onions, cruciferous vegetables, Brussels sprouts, and legumes,” Dr. Berookim said.
Carbonated drinks and sugar alcohols found in “sugar -free” beverages can also generate a colon quake of 9.0 on the rectal scale if they are consumed in the hours leading up to a workout.
The Way You Drink Water Is Making You Fart
If you’re someone who sucks water down during a workout like they’ve just spent two days in the desert, your chances of farting at the gym increase exponentially.
Let’s just say you’ve got a 50/50 shot of cutting the cheese.
“Gulping down water can cause more air to be swallowed into the digestive tract, which will get released either through the mouth or anus,” said Audra Wilson, RD, nutritionist at the Metabolic Health and Surgical Weight Loss Center at Northwestern Medicine Delnor Hospital.
The doctor says it is better to moderate one’s water consumption throughout the day rather than trying to quench your thirst all at once during the hours at the gym.
So How Can A Person Control Their Farts?
If farting in the gym is something you are seriously worried about, paying close attention to the advice above is a solid first start. Or you could always start taking anti-gas medication before heading off to the gym.
Just remember that you’re not the only person worried about crapping themselves into an embarrassing situation during a workout.
Here’s something to consider: You don’t necessarily have to stop farting in these places, you just have to do it more quietly than the next guy.
When all else fails, and there’s nothing you can do but let it go and stink up the whole facility, just wrinkle your face up in disgust and look at the person directly to your left or right.
Heck yeah, don’t be afraid to pass the blame off to someone else and put them on the defensive.
Just don’t be too quick to react to the fart. You don’t want to be the one who calls it first.
Let someone else take the lead by saying something like, “My God, who shit?” Remember, whoever smelt it, dealt it.
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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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