One of the worst things about catching a ride with an Uber or Lyft is the forced socializing that is sometimes required during the trip.
It’s like no sooner than you get your seatbelt on and start texting the friend waiting for you at the bar, “Yo! I’m on my way,” the driver launches into an investigation into your personal affairs that rivals anything ever witnessed on Dateline NBC.
For whatever reason, that curious, dopey-eyed bastard wants to know what you are up to for the evening and how late you plan on staying out. Sometimes it seems the driver just one question away from learning more about the frequency of your bowel movements. They are annoyingly painful, these unsolicited babble sessions.
So much, in fact, that even the most stoic passenger can sometimes find himself fed up to the point of praying to the Gods of silence and serenity for a deadly fucking strain of jungle virus to slip in through the vents and turn everyone into a sloppy puddle of zombie juice.
Sure, it is highly unlikely that an apocalyptic contagion of immense proportions will swoop down the next time your Uber driver starts rambling on about something that you do not give two flying shits about, but a new study suggests that all you have to do is lean over and lick the door handle. There are apparently enough vile bacteria lingering in the back of those ride-share vehicles to end it all.
Researchers associated with the insurance company Netquote have determined that Uber and Lyft vehicles contain 35,000 times more germs than a toilet seat.
This means there are more puke-inducing bugs crawling around in these seemingly clean vehicles than in shithouses all across America. For those of you who have ever used the pisser at the Indianapolis 500, you can appreciate the implications here. If we can get sicker than a junkyard dog on an antifreeze bender by riding in an Uber than we can skipping through the foul-smelling cesspools that are the restrooms out there on the racing circuit, then what chance do any of us really have?
It doesn’t look good, that’s for sure!
The study finds that if we truly understood the magnitude of the diseases in the backseat of these ride shares breeding like an orgy of slobbering goats, we would either refuse to be carted around in these vehicles or get fitted for a hazmat suit that looks good with Chelsea boots.
Researchers explained that they found the cold and flu virus hanging out in the back of these vehicles. Okay, so no big deal, we would expect the discovery of these common ailments. But they went on to say that every loathsome contaminant like skin and blood infections was found as well. Even food poisoning bacteria like E.coli are apparently back there waiting to get somebody sick.
Considering that E.coli lives in the intestinal tract of animals and humans, it appears that using rideshare services is now just about as risky as sticking your tongue straight up a cow’s ass. Think about that the next time you rate your Uber driver!
“It’s only natural that a vehicle with an ever-changing roster of occupants would yield more bacteria than your own car,” a Netquote spokesperson said in an interview with the Orlando Sentinel. “But comfy as they may be, you’re far from the only person who’s rolling down windows, buckling seatbelts and grasping door handles and steering wheels in these vehicles.”
To put this nasty tale of horror into perspective, it is first essential to understand a measurement known as Colony-Forming Units (CFU). This is the estimated number of disgusting bacteria or fungus swimming around in a particular sample. Through this calculation, scientists have learned there are approximately 1.5 million CFU on a toilet seat. A toothbrush holder contains right around 2.1 million.
Meanwhile, Uber and Lyft vehicles possess more than 6 million CFU per square inch, rental cars over 2 million and taxi cabs roughly 27,593. The majority of the germs can be found on the window buttons (more than 5 million CFU).
The next highest was seat belts with over 1 million CFU. In this case, it is actually safer not to buckle up before hitting the road. Surprisingly, door handles had the lowest number of germs — 1,810 CFU. So don’t be afraid to use one to bail out of there if you happen to be reading this article in an Uber right now.
Maybe don’t panic just yet.
Humans are exposed to trillions of germs on any given day, most of which our immune systems allow us to live with harmoniously. So, to live your life in fear of germs is perhaps not the best course of action.
Yet, then again, acting as though they do not exist goes against the grain of intelligence.
Therefore, it is essential to take precautionary measures when doing anything out there in the dangerous world. Even if that is only using an Uber to take you somewhere to get drunk.
Washing your hands regularly or using hand sanitizer is a good start toward protecting yourself from certain death, researchers say.
“Once you leave the cab or ride-share, wash your hands as soon as possible – and avoid touching your face until you do,” they explained. “Follow these steps, and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride (or drive) – without worrying too much about the germs riding beside you.”
In other words, chances are you will survive your next Uber ride without catching a gross disease. Whether or not you persist through the excruciating conversation is another thing altogether.
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