What Will Become Of The Kiss Cam, Sports’ Last Great Universal Joy?

Katherine Frey/The Washington Post via Getty Images

While politic pundits squabble in the media about trivial things like “saving the economy” and the proper time to for a Cancún getaway, my mind is overwhelmed with more existential worries; like what will this dreadful disease make of America’s beloved Kiss Cam?

As it stands today, the very thought of a brother and sister peer pressured into playing tonsil hockey in front of 20,000 about-to-be-horny strangers seems as foreign and unfamiliar as seeing a naked senior citizen in the Planet Fitness locker room.

This year has warped my brain so toxically that my first impulse upon seeing actors not wearing masks in movies filmed in 2016 is thinking it’s a stylistic choice from the Republican director. My brain would self-implode at the sight of the Joe Biden removing his 14 CDC-recommended masks to unload millions of respiratory droplets into Jill’s esophagus around a sea of drunk patrons.

Toni L. Sandys/The Washington Post via Getty Images

The Milwaukee Bucks tried to repaint the Mona Lisa with a set of Applebee’s crayons in a bad Tuesday night loss that was made no better by this monstrosity: The Hand Sanitizer Cam. Have we not suffered enough?

Any time the phrase “pumping loads on people” is used in a pitch meeting, there were 20 other ideas that were shot down by lawyers for good reason.

These images were captured five years apart. Progress?

Getty Image Composite

We must not get discouraged or lose sight of the forest for the trees.

While the fate of this exhausting virus seems to change daily, we will beat it. And when we’re back to our distracted, hyper-social lives, let’s all strive to close our eyes and kiss as if 20,000 people aren’t watching. Boy won’t that be sweet.



Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.