Lena Dunham Gave Her Dog Of Four Years Away–Here Are The Reasons She Abandoned The Pooch, Probably

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When the going gets tough, the tough gets going you give your dog of four years back to the animal shelter because of his “unmanageable aggression,” as Lena Dunham put it. In a long-winded Instagram post, Dunham claimed that her dog, Lamby, suffered “terrible abuse” and “four years of challenging behavior and aggression that could not be treated with training or medication or consistent loving dog ownership,”  thus prompting her to return the pooch to the Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition where she adopted it four years ago.

As if discarding the pet she exploited by creating Instagram and Twitter accounts for and even included in a 2014 Vogue shoot wasn’t bogus enough, the Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition refuted Dunham’s claim that Lamby was ever abused, provoking Dunham to play the victim in another exhausting Instagram post.

Dunham’s credibility in this matter must be called into question, so allow me to offer my predictions below on the real reasons she gave up her pet to star in the next Sara McLachlan commercial.

Lamby just expected a woman to clean up after him, a despicable microcosm of male privilege. 

Lamby refused to wear the ‘I’m With Her‘ sweater that Dunham forced on him in the sweltering summer heat. 

Lamby never read Dunham’s 5,000 word op-ed on why serving sushi in school cafeterias is culturally appropriating the Asian culture. Because Lamby is a dog. Incapable of literacy. 

Lamby didn’t show Lena enough attention at the Met Gala.

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Lamby grew increasingly frustrated with Lena’s refusal to call him a ‘Good Boy’ because that is an oxymoron in Dunham’s world. 

Dunham never wanted Lamby in the first place, but she simply couldn’t turn down an opportunity to neuter a male.

Lena has expressed her desire to have an abortion, and adoption seemed like the next best option.

Lamby slept through the entire third season of Girls with the rest of us. 

Dunham harbored resentment for Lamby after learning the phrase “A dog is a man’s best friend.” 

Lena Dunham came to the conclusion that the innate struggles of raising an animal, no matter how rewarding, outweighed the guilt of tossing it aside like a subscription of Men’s Health

Best of luck to Lamby in overcoming the emotional distress of realizing he was nothing more than a prop. Take comfort in the fact that all dogs go to heaven, bro.

The caption. Holy shit.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.