Affluenza teen Ethan Couch was just sentenced to 720 days in prison after prosecutors urged the judge to lock him up for 180 days for each person he killed while driving three times over the legal limit, killing four people and paralyzing one. This two year sentence is soft AF, but it’s death row compared to his initial 10-year probabion (which he broke) sentence that included enrollment in a country club rehab facility, which offered cooking classes, horseback riding, and yoga.
Normally I wouldn’t pile it on a 16-year-old who made a really, really bad mistake, but after he immediately broke his probation by playing beer pong with his remaining three friends before jetting to Mexico wear he treated himself to Mexican booze and strippers, all bets are off. Fuck this kid. Future generations cannot be lead to believe that you can ruin lives and buy your way out of the consequences. This is America, not Softerica. <–I’m still ironing that one out.
When reading up on this kid, I’ve notice he’s changed his look more than Bruce Jenner. He’s got more faces than a yearbook. I’ve decided to compile the 5 disguises Ethan Couch has used to run from his heinous actions. Feel free to add.
The ‘I’m Still Drunk’
This is Affluenza Asshole’s signature look. Those bangs look like an OJ Simpson polygraph test. I honestly think Michael J. Fox snipped those while riding a mechanical bull. Christ, I’ve seen gay pride parades straighter than those things. Damnit affluenza asshole, with all that money you’ve stolen from your parents, you’d think that you’d spring for a decent cut. Super Cuts: not even once. And that facial fungus. That’s one way to avoid getting plugged in prison. Solid tactical move.
The Grizzly Adams
It’s not visible in this headshot, but I’d venture to guess that Affluenza Asshole is holding a hatchet and wearing jean overalls. The photo also doesn’t do his scent justice, as he reeks of taint and his cousin’s vaginal fluids. You’d think being in the midst of a nationwide manhunt, he wouldn’t have time to superglue his pubes on his face, but Affluenza Asshole doesn’t play by your rules.
The ‘Nah Wasn’t Me,’ I’m Dale
Affluenza Asshole’s first attempt at running from his identity and transforming himself into every dude named ‘Dale.’ He never killed anyone while driving over three times the legal limit, he was at Jiffy Lube tuning up someone’s Corolla in between chain smoking Marlboro Reds. There’s no way Dale could have killed those people because his license is suspended and can only get around by his grandmother driving him around in her ’76 Buick LeSabre. Sure, he gets hammered off Colt 45’s at home, but is it really drunk driving just because his home has four wheels? The line is blurred.
The Bieber Fuckboi
This is Affluenza Asshole’s attempt at proving he’s not a total sociopath. He’s just your typical affected teen fuck who outwardly hates Bieber but desperately wants to be him. Juries have a tough time convicting a Bieber Fuckboi because we all know one. He hangs out at the mall with his JV Cross Country boathouse jacket and uploads Facebook videos of him playing the guitar even though he sucks at it. Sorry fuckboi, it’s too late now to say ‘sorry.’
Casper
It’s tough to convict someone of a crime who looks like he hasn’t been out of a dark basement since Clinton was president. “Where were you on the day of the crash?” “Generally avoiding UV rays, officer? Can you turn this interrogation light off?” Jesus, I’ve seen sheets of paper tanner than this. Good thing Texas doesn’t get any snow. If so, we never would have found this fucker.
The Don Cheadle
Just kidding. This isn’t Affluenza Asshole. It’s critically-acclaimed actor Don Cheadle. Unlike Ethan, Don Cheadle was excellent in his role in Crash. If Affluenza Asshole pulled this one off, we’d all have to tip our caps.