World’s Best Girlfriend Gives Her Boyfriend Sex Coupons For Valentine’s Day And Dear God Bro, Never Leave Her



During a holiday that is constructed to set dudes up for failure, a few bros are lucky enough to be reciprocated for their $39 Russell Stovers chocolates and their egregiously priced pre-fixe dinner at Chilis (Pro Tip: Applebees has a 2 for $20 deal 365 days a year. No brainer). The majority of girls treat Valentine’s Day like its their birthday, even though love goes both ways. It’s bullshit, and the worst thing to happen to feminism since Lena Dunham.

Anyway, one bro named Patrick pulled in quite the haul on this Valentine’s Day, in the form of sex coupons given to him by his girlfriend, who he should never, under any circumstance, leave. The gift consists of six coupons, all of varying degrees of sexuality. I envy this man:

This gift is only bested by Principal Anderson’s to Billy Madison back in 2004.

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I’m horny.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.