One of the cardinal rules of manhood is ‘don’t swoop on another man when he’s hitting on a woman’. It’s poor form, it can lead to altercations, it’s just something that can and should be easily avoided.
However, there are exceptions to this rule. One of those exceptions would be when a man finds himself hitting on another man’s fiancee, in that situation the 3rd party should just walk away and not make a scene. Also, if you’re at the gym and you get shot down by a chick you should 100% not make a scene because you’ll only end up looking like an atomic douche nozzle. Unfortunately for the dude in this story he skipped over the by-laws and went straight to looking like a Douchebagus Maximus.
So my girl and I have been together for 4.5 years. We’ve been doing this thing right from the start where, when we go to the gym together, she does her own routine (mostly cardio) and I do my own routine (mostly lifting). Sometimes, while she’s lifting dumbbells in front of the mirror, I’ll walk up and start hitting on her in a loud, obnoxious, neanderthalish way. I’m not really big, so it’s pretty funny to see me acting like a big tough guido and picking up on her by acting like a dumbass.
Typically it embarrasses her but sometimes she plays along. It’s the best when other dudes are watching (they’re always checking her out or trying to make small talk with her anyway). So I’ll walk up and be like “AAAAYE SUP GIRL, YOU LOOKIN FIIIIIIINE, YOU GOT A BOFRAN?” and she will act all charmed and start chatting me up.
Yesterday we went to the gym in the morning, and this fratboy starts talking her up. He is pretty jacked, and confident. She plays along, just chatting. After about ten minutes, I walk up and do my routine. I basically jump in on their conversation and I’m like, “Oh yea whassup girl? I seen you here yesterday too. I seen you here a lot.”
My fiancee smiles and is like “Oh yeah? I’ve never seen you here. What’s your name?” and we start chitchatting and laughing while this meathead mouthbreather just watches with disbelief. Then after like 45 seconds I’m like, “You wanna go grab some lunch? I’m always hungry after the gym because I lift so fuckin hard” (and flash my 25 pound weights). She’s like “oh that sounds good! If you want to come over to my place I can cook for you!”
So we start to walk off, and the fratboy is like, “Uh, dude, what the fuck is your problem?” and I turn around, flash a douchey smile, and I’m like “Oh sup bro?” still in character. He’s like, “The fuck you swoopin’ me for dog? You interrupted me. That’s fucked up.”
I can tell this guy is about as smart as a six year old so I drop the routine and I’m like, “Hey dude, relax, this is actually my fiancee.” But he doesn’t back off. He’s like “I don’t care, you NEVER swoop on another dude, NEVER. That’s some fucked up shit, yo.”
At this point I’m just standing there with my mouth open, not even sure what this guy’s problem is, and surprised he doesn’t get that we were joking. He turns to my fiancee and he’s like “This guy’s a douche, you should drop him,” to which she gets mouthy (her father is some Navy oldboy so she swears like a fucking sailor) and says “Get the fuck over yourself, you aren’t going to pick up chicks in a gym.”
Then he shouts “FUCK YOU BITCH!” right at her, and throws up a middle finger. Everybody in the gym stops what they’re doing and turns to look at the situation. My fiancee, never one to back down from a challenge, goes to flip the guy off and call him a name, but I grab her and hustle her out of the gym. Neither of us were done working out, but uh, I think we’re probably gonna take a week off before going back.
Edit: TL, DR: Some dude thought my fiancee was single. I walked up and introduced myself to her, stealing her from him. He got super mad and flipped out.
edit 2: for the people who are telling me I’m a jerk, I agree with you, I think that actually most of the blame is on my shoulders, not the fratboy’s. I humiliated a dude who wasn’t really doing anything wrong. Just being a little douchey, that’s all. His reaction was unnecessary, but so was my trick on him. That is one of the many reasons this is a TIFU.
For the people who are calling me a coward for not assaulting a person in a gym with security cameras, uhh, okay, thanks for the advice. What would the judge have said? Some guy said something mean so you tried to kill him with a dumbbell? There’s no way I’d come out on top after that. I did the right thing – I didn’t escalate the situation further.
Hopefully everyone learned a lesson from this story: don’t act like the world’s biggest dipshit at the gym, especially when you’re in the wrong.