Utah Indoor Football Team Asks Fans To Vote For Their New Name And They’ll Have A Horrible Name Soon

As an upper-middle class white male, I don’t value myself as a maestro of political correctness. I know I really should keep tabs on this stuff, but there aren’t many ways to racially or religiously insult me, so I embrace more of a “not sure how that will be received so I’ll just not say it” mentality. It’s just safer that way. You can’t accidentally say anything racist if you never say anything. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.

So, even with my limited knowledge of how this stuff works, I’m still pretty sure that naming a team the Stormin’ Mormons is not PC. Not really sure how or why, but it has to be. Right? Well, even if it’s not, it’s a bad name. Like a real bad name. Especially for a football team. “Ok fellas, we got the Mormons this week” *entire locker room laughs*. I can’t think of a single demographic that that name would strike fear into the hearts of. And I’m not even sure if that’s worst one. To prove it, here are the (current) top 5 team names that fans have voted for Fanchise to name the coming indoor football team that will be arriving in Utah next season.


Half of the allure of this one is that no one knows exactly what a spaghetti monster looks like. I’m sure it’s terrifying. I’m picturing what is essentially a hairball but it’s made out of spaghetti and has the ability to bite people in the dick. Sure, you can rip the spaghetti apart, but does that kill it, or do you then have little spaghetti snakes to contend with along with the spaghetti monster itself? No one knows, because no one has ever seen one of them and lived.


Not sure what an emu is but there’s a 0% chance I’m fucking with any wild animal that is also electric.


On the surface, this one seems like the most obvious choice. A bald eagle proudly proclaiming it’s dominance through a battlecry. But that’s assuming that this eagle is bellowing a triumphant caw and not screaming like a human being. Look at the diction. Eagles don’t scream. People do. So I’m picturing a bird of prey which makes a noise that directly mirrors that of a human being screaming in pain, fear or a combination of both. That’s horrifying. Imagine seeing an eagle swoop down in front of you, grab some roadkill and then scream at you like a man would scream if he was in a car accident and had the steering column plowed through his chest and out his back? Exactly.


We covered this one already.


This one is well-trodden ground but it will never get old, either. For those of you don’t remember, the British government told their citizens to vote for the name of their new boat, which they named ‘Boaty McBoatFace’. While confusing, the ‘Noun McNounFace’ trend doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast. So really, this is one of those situations where you have decide if you’re going to continue to attempt to resist the urge to conform, or go along with the crowd.

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