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This is a safe space. Nothing I say in this diatribe can be used against me at a later date, especially if we keep the players I’m shitting on. And most especially the part where I confess to masturbating during the fourth quarter. Agree to the Terms and Conditions before continuing.
I’ve been a Celtics fan my entire life. Ride or die. The Celtics went 15-67 during the ’96-’97 in the most formative years of my basketball life. Still, I stood in life at the Liberty Tree Mall for what seemed like an eternity so that Antoine Walker, Rick Fox, Eric Williams, and Dana Barros could sign my C’s flag. Do you know what those autographs are worth now? About as much as a Blockbuster Video membership card.
As much sports success Boston’s had in recent years, people forget the Celtics fucking sucked for so long. They were simply unwatchable for a six year stretch in the mid 90s to early 2000s.
A picture says a thousand words. Ladies and gents, Marty Conlon.
https://twitter.com/Joe_Hanrahan/status/1126320946506338304
Shoot me in the face if Marty didn’t miss that free throw by nine inches.
Oh! And right when we were going to start with a clean slate at the turn of the century, we picked up a guy who was LITERALLY SCORING METH OUTSIDE THE GARDEN DURING PRE-GAME WARMUPS.
Chris Herren pic.twitter.com/7WSCgtS5s6
— RandomNBAPlayers (@RandomNBAPeeps) April 3, 2019
Despite those trying years when a well-balanced YMCA team could steamroll the C’s, what I witnessed last night was the most frustrating four quarters of basketball I can remember. In a do-or-die game, the Celtics converted on just 31.5 percent of its field-goal attempts, amounting to a top five worst in 650+ Celtics playoffs game since inception. I confess that during the fourth quarter I went into my bedroom to bop my bologna so I didn’t commit a hate crime on my drywall.
You know what really chaps my ass? We gave up a universally beloved Isaiah Thomas so Kyrie could rule our team with an Iron Pout. I would have felt better about IT and his broken body dragging the team to a first round exit than Kyrie being Uncle Doo Doo.
I even granted Kyrie, who became the first Celtics player to take at least 15 shots and shoot less than 40 percent in 4 straight playoff games since Sam Jones in 1966, a last gasp at redemption in his post-game presser.
Some declarations that would have helped begin the healing would be:
1.) I take full responsibility for hijacking the heart of the team, stomping on it, and then forcing our formerly blossoming young guys mop up the flesh and blood.
2.) I’m humbled for having the basketball talent to be a leader of a team, but zero
3.) I’m sorry for treating the Boston media like members of al-Qaeda for asking questions that deserve answers and in the process becoming the most despised figure in Boston sports since the guy who killed a couple dudes.
BUT as we learned, a tiger can’t change his stripes.
"For me, it's just moving onto the next thing." – Kyrie Irving 👀 pic.twitter.com/ZEWcWNZ2zH
— NBA on TNT (@NBAonTNT) May 9, 2019
Make no mistake, Kyrie wears this loss, but there was so much blame to go around it needed to be put in Tupperware. Gordon Hayward has been getting a season long free pass because we saw his ankle fall off a year and a half ago. He averaged 6 points per game this series. Six. Six is also where Hayward ranks in salary this year throughout the entire NBA, more than James Harden. More than Paul George. I mean shit, I haven’t seen anyone so timid to score since my sophomore semi-formal. Rehab aside, just a gutless performance.
Brad Stevens had about as much autonomy over his team this season as a substitute teacher filling in to a group of seniors in May. Jayson Tatum looked his age. Giannis is too young, long, and proficient at protecting the rim for the ever-reliable Al Horford to will us out of any hole. Jaylen Brown showed sparks at times, which was usually stunted by Kyrie dribbling for 20 seconds and hucking up a turnaround 18-footer. Terry Rozier, who starred in last year’s playoffs and become beloved by the city, no longer wants to be a Celtic. Aron Baynes played decent for a Game of Thrones extra. Marcus Morris was our only consistent bright spot. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.
Ok, I’m done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to change my Celtic green to Bruins yellow. GO [insert hockey man here]! All aboard the B’s bandwagon!
P.S. The Bucks are realllly good and deserved to win just as much as we deserved to lose. Looking forward to see what kind of waves they make going forward. If I don’t off myself first.