No One On Planet Earth Was More Stoned Than ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian Last Night On National Television

It’s confirmed: Tim’s never heard a joke in his entire life. Actually, check that, this wasn’t even a joke: it was simply the name of a women’s soccer goalie who was relevant like 9 months ago. Tim’s just catching up. Hope Solo. How many bong rips does a human being have to take to the face to find that name funny? 7? Hope Cock, sure. Cocks are dicks. Dicks are funny.

I’d bet the family farm that when Timmy calls up his old college buddies he starts the conversation with a drawn-out “WAZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAA.” I’m 100% positive that he walks around the ESPN offices dishing out wet willies and constantly quoting The Hangover. When Neil Everett approaches him at the water cooler and asks how he’s doing he’ll reply “Same stuff, different day” because he wants to sound hip but doesn’t have the stones to swear in the office. That’s why I’m so surprised Timmy had the gall to rip those 7 bong rips before going on national television. Honestly shocked he didn’t get lost on the way to the studio.

Check out Timmy moonlighting at the Comedy Cellar this weekend: