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THE HEADLINES
Estimated Read Time: 3 minutes and 27 seconds
TRES COMMAS
DoorDash, Grubhub’s late-blooming cousin, just landed $535M from SoftBank, GIC, Wellcome Trust and Sequoia Capital. Pretty much The Beatles of the VC world. The company is now valued at $1.4B, which more than doubles their valuation from 2 years ago. Break out the unicorn hats at HQ.
The company initially only sought a measly $200M, but Softbank did what Softbank does best: make it rain. Now the biggest question Double-D has is “what should we do with this oversized check?”
Well, for starters, DoorDash says they will add 250 new employees. They’ll also nearly triple the number of cities that they operate in, which is good news for the likes of Ketchum, Idaho and Findlay, Ohio. And there are plans to invest in their Drive platform which allows restaurants to offer DoorDash services on their own website. Sooo, a hyperlink?
Water Cooler Talking Point: “The best thing about all that extra capital is that it all but guarantees at least $100M will be earmarked for completely unnecessary promos and giveaways. Mmmm.”
QUIZ: WHAT KITCHEN UTENSIL ARE YOU?
Tasty, best known for its treasure trove of click-bait food porn is part of a little company you might have heard of: Buzzfeed, who plans to launch a line of Tasty brand kitchen items to be sold at Walmart.
Buzzfeed has been trying to diversify its revenue stream as their earnings from traditional digital ads have plummeted, thanks in large part to Google and Facebook being big, mean bullies, according to CEO Jonah Peretti. The partnership has become a battle cry of sorts for digital-first publishers …
“They may take our ad revenue, but they will never take our freedom!” – Jonah Peretti in his best William Wallace voice, probably
The deal is a win-win: Buzzfeed will take a cut of sales from all of the goods sold at 4k+ Walmarts, as well as online, and Walmart will capitalize on Buzzfeed’s large digital reach to get people into their stores.
Water Cooler Talking Point: “This epitomizes ‘desperate times call for desperate measures.’ I mean did they even think about the repercussions here? You do not want to step on the toes of the likes of Rachael Ray and Martha Stewart. Hell hath no fury like a homemaking TV personality scorned.”
MAN OF STEEL
Donald Trump ain’t got time for foreign steel and aluminum. The White House’s latest economic move will place a 25% tariff on steel imports and a 10% duty on aluminum, because have you ever tried to wrap leftover pizza fresh with steel foil?
The import tax fulfills a campaign promise to the industrial Midwest. Many a sleepy steel towns will be a little less depressing tonight. But industrial giants weren’t so enthused by the move which will almost certainly result in a price jump.
The stock market melted down quicker than steel beams at roughly 2500 degrees Fahrenheit. Companies reliant on the metals (think: GM) dragged down the Dow which shed 1.7%. But hey, a promise is a promise!
Water Cooler Talking Point: “If Elon Musk can figure out how to legally sell flamethrowers and put a car in space, he can definitely figure out how to make a steel and aluminum alternative. You know, like the stuff that Alex Mack morphed into.”
IN OTHER NEWS
- Kroger is joining Walmart and Dick’s in raising the minimum age requirement for gun purchases to 21. The supermarket chain is keenly aware of how effective the age limit on alcohol purchases is at curbing underage abuse.
- P&G reports that it cut digital advertising by more than $200M last year, citing questions about the effectiveness of current platforms. Apparently, they didn’t do a very good job at reducing ad spend on Tide Pods.
- Snap won’t pay employee bonuses this year after the company missed lofty internal goals set by CE-BRO, Evan Spiegel. In lieu of a bonus, employees were given a survey to air their grievances.
- Uber launches Uber health, a B2B play that will shuttle patients to and from healthcare providers. Finally, granny can get her own sorry ass to the doctor’s office.
- The remaining assets of the Weinstein Company were scooped up by a female-led investor group. They promise to focus on saving jobs, getting vendors paid and compensating victims.
- US indices were down yesterday:
- DOW: -1.68%
- S&P 500: -1.33%
- NASDAQ: -1.27%
TALKING SHOP
Professional motivation, tips, tricks, hacks & resources carefully-curated by yours truly. Something you’d like to see featured? Shoot me an email at team@thewatercoolest.com
HERE LIES HOPE
Hope Hicks is out as the White House Communications Director after admitting to the House Intelligence Committee that she tells “little white lies” for the President. Apparently, the White House sticks to the “snitches get stitches” mantra.
And the ordeal is nothing if not a reminder of our own fragile, at-will employment, which can live or die by the “little white lie.” But the real question probably isn’t if you should lie at work, it’s where you want to fall on the bullsh*t spectrum between telling someone you had a low-key weekend when you actually brunched like a rich kid of Instagram and being Dick Fuld.
Unsolicited Advice: “You know what they say: if you ain’t lyin’ you ain’t tryin’. Unless your career aspirations include Patron Saint or Boy Scout, you should always have a lie or two up your sleeve. Think it’s going to help your stock rise to tell a coworker that their coffee breath is unbearable or you’d rather have an emergency appendectomy than work with them? Think again.”