Elon Musk’s ‘Crooked Dick’ Becomes Latest Casualty In Johnny Depp Libel Trial

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The fact that both Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are still living right now and one hasn’t become a victim featured in an Investigation Discovery true crime trilogy titled ‘Psychos of the Caribbean‘ is the biggest miracle since the birth of sweet baby Jesus.

The details of the raging dumpster fire masquerading as a 15-month marriage are so bonkers that we can no longer decide on what to put in the headline.

We’re 72 hours into the Depp’s libel trial against English tabloid The Sun, and the court has already heard these totally healthy details:

  • Amber Heard allegedly shit in Depp’s bed as a sick ‘prank,’ and Johnny then began referring to her as ‘Amber Turd.’
  • Depp reportedly slapped Heard three times when she mocked his cheesy Winona Ryder tattoo.
  • Depp was accused of attacking Heard in a cocaine and alcohol-fueled rage while aboard a plane and accusing her of cheating on him with “rapist” James Franco.
  • In a text conversation between Depp and friend and actor Paul Bettany, the Pirates actor joked about “setting Amber Heard on fire and ‘f***ing her burnt corpse afterwards to make sure she’s dead.’”

Ya know, chill stuff.

Most recently, it’s been reportedly that in August 2016 text messages to talent agent and Lady Gaga’s ex-fiance Christian Carino, Depp referred to his now ex-wife as a “gold digger” and a “50 cent stripper.” The texts were sent three months after Depp decided to divorce Heard.

“She’s begging for total global humiliation…She’s gonna get it…she sucked Mollusk’s crooked d–k and he gave her some s–t lawyers…I have no mercy, no fear and not an ounce of emotion, or what I once thought was love for this gold digging, low level, dime a dozen, mushy, pointless dangling overused flappy fish market.”

Jesus, dude. Deep breaths and no more alligator tails off the coffee table.

While it was never officially confirmed who this Mollusk character is, it doesn’t take a Elon Musk to connect the dots—I sure would harbor some animosity for someone I claimed had a threesome with my wife and a supermodel while I was still married to her. And I’m not a jealous guy, who would, say, cut off his fingertip in jealous rage after accusing my wife of cheating on me with Billy Bob Thorton.

“I’m so f–king happy she wants to go to fight this out!!!,” Depp allegedly continued in the text. “She will hit the wall hard!!! ANd I cannot wait to have this waste of a c— guzzler out of my life!!! I met an f–king sublime little Russian here…Which made me realize the time I blew on that 50 cent stripper.”

I’m no law professional, but it feels inappropriate to put the trajectory of a man’s rocket on trial in a court of law. Again, not a professional.

If the romance in this article hasn’t suffocated you out of it yet, there’s more from August 2016.

“I’m so f–king happy she wants to go to fight this out!!!,” Depp allegedly continued in the text. “She will hit the wall hard!!! ANd I cannot wait to have this waste of a c— guzzler out of my life!!! I met an f–king sublime little Russian here…Which made me realize the time I blew on that 50 cent stripper.”

Whose ass do we have to kiss around here for a Mollusk Dick encore?

Depp added, “But, NOW, I will stop at nothing!!! Let’s see if mollusk has a pair…Come see me face to face…I’ll show him things he’s never seen before….Like, the other side of his d**k when I slice it off.”

Now that’s what I call….

…..

………..

……………….

failure to launch.

 

 

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