A Beloved Cheese Is The Latest Victim Of The Millennials Endless Killing Spree

by 2 years ago
millennials killing american cheese


The FBI estimates there are up to 50 uncaptured serial killers in the United States at any one time, but based on what I’ve seen, that number is wildly inaccurate when you take into account the tens of millions of people who are currently on a massive slaughtering spree: millennials.

Millennials have been accused of killing countless things over the past few years as they ruthlessly slay essentially everything in their path— a phenomenon that was highlighted by one Twitter user who rounded up all of the things the generation has allegedly slaughtered.

However, that picture was posted over a year ago and millennials have only added more things to their body count since then, including:

Now, if Bloomberg is to be believed, the murderous generation has now turned their sights on a new cultural icon: American cheese.

As the outlet notes, a number of restaurants have started to pivot away from processed cheese and harnessing ingredients they can advertise as “artisanal” to appeal to millennial tastes:

Wendy’s is offering asiago. A&W’s Canada locations switched to real cheddar. McDonald’s is selling the Big Mac’s soft, orange square of American cheese with a version that doesn’t contain artificial preservatives. Cracker Barrel ditched its old-fashioned grilled cheese. So did Panera Bread, replacing American with a four-cheese combo of fontina, cheddar, monteau and smoked gouda.

According to the article, the price of American cheese has fallen to below $4 a pound for the first time since 2011 and sales of Kraft Singles and Velveeta continue to decline for the fourth straight year.

I’m an absolute sucker for a four cheese blend but I can’t say this trend doesn’t disturb me at least a little bit as American is still my cheese of choice when it comes to topping a burger, making a grilled cheese, or whipping up nacho dip.

Fight me.

Connor Toole is a Senior Editor at BroBible based in Brooklyn, NY who embodies more of the stereotypes associated with the borough than he's comfortable with. Frequently described as "freakishly tall," he once used his 6'10" frame to sneak in the NBA Draft before walking around the streets of NYC masquerading as the newest member of the Utah Jazz. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to land him a contract, so he was forced to settle for writing on the internet for a living instead. If you're mad about something he wrote, be sure that any angry tweets you send note the similarity between his last name and a popular insult, as no one has ever done that before.