Two Cats Are The First American Pets To Contract Coronavirus

by 3 months ago

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And so it begins. Cats—those soulless harbingers of doom—can carry the virus. You know cats, right? Depraved sentinels of hell, legged snakes draped in fur, constantly licking their skin because it didn’t fit right when Voldermort issued their disguises? Yes, those lurking, asocial, elitist straddlers of earth and hell can get the Coronavirus.

It’s no surprise really, as we read of a Bronx Zoo tiger testing positive for the virus three weeks ago. Though for some reason, I struggle to connect tigers and house cats on the family tree. Tigers are terrific, whereas pet cats are the worst thing to happen to the world since Oppenheimer sired the atomic bomb. The real surprise here is that this whole thing didn’t start with cats. Why Alex Jones and the incel army haven’t propagated that theory, I don’t know.

You can see it too, can’t you? Eight or so cats wearing lab smocks, sashaying between bubbling beakers and titanium tanks, checking pH levels and testing their formula on mice before moving up to mini goldendoodles, then St. Bernard’s, then a hapless janitor, and finally the population of Wuhan? As the virus spread from continent to continent, they curled their whorish tails around tiny champagne flutes and clinked and winked their way to dominion. Nations pointed fingers while quietly, a hired Bombay nailed copies of the raw bat thesis to the door of a WalMart in Oklahoma under cover of darkness. And that was that. 

Obviously it didn’t happen exactly that way. But here’s what the researchers had to say about testing the felines:

NY Times– The researchers noted in the paper, “It was difficult to perform regular nasal wash collection on the sub-adult cats because they were aggressive.”

Go figure. You’re saying that the cats wouldn’t let the researchers test them? What a surprise. One can smell the guilt wafting through the Wifi connection.

Of course:

Dogs are less susceptible to infection with the virus, according to the same research paper on cats. 

Has there ever been a clearer line in the litter sand? Humans and dogs versus cats and satan. Let the fur fly.

Senior Editor at BroBible and co-host of Oops the Podcast

TAGSAnimalsCatCatsClean NewscoronavirusDogsVirus