Technically speaking, summer is far from being over. If you ask whoever the hell is responsible for making seasons a thing, summer isn’t over until September 23rd.
However, summer feels like it’s almost over because at our core we all know summer is basically done once Labor Day rolls around. As we learned all too well when we were kids, September means school, not summer. It’s a bummer but it’s the sad truth.
However, I figured we’d get a jump on the end of summer (regardless of when it technically is) and figure out who “won” the last few months and can be crowned the champion of 2019’s hottest season.
Is there a chance someone comes around in the next couple of weeks to seize the title? Maybe. But I’m pretty confident one of these contenders is going to ultimately take home the grand prize.
Lizzo won’t stop, can’t stop.
Her third album, Cuz I Love You, came out back in April but she has only gotten stronger in recent months. Before Memorial Day rolled around, I thought either “Juice” or “Truth Hurts” had a chance to be the Song of the Summer but also felt she had the potential to be overshadowed by Billie Eilish or someone else.
I now kind of feel like I was wrong. I was definitely wrong about the Billie Eilish part. It seems like she won the spring before fading once summer rolled around.
This summer, Lizzo absolutely owned the BET Awards, gave Glastonbury one of its best performances and gifted everyone stuck working at a desk something to jam out to repeatedly courtesy of her NPR Tiny Desk Concert.
As if that wasn’t enough, noted song and dance man Justin Timberlake shared a little snippet from his new album, a snippet that featured none other than Lizzo.
Justin Timberlake and Lizzo? Come on!
The entire United States women’s soccer team could be on this list, but as far as the 2019 Women’s World Cup is concerned, it’s pretty clear that Megan Rapinoe emerged as the clear winner (with all apologies to runner-ups Alex Morgan and Ashlyn Harris’ Instagram account).
Rapinoe led Team USA to victory in France and also managed to take home the Golden Ball and Golden Boot. She then came home with her squad, gave a hell of a speech at the victory parade in New York City, and had a damn good time celebrating.
Her pose after scoring a goal became iconic and she was justifiably crowned America’s badass sweetheart before scoring a book deal, making countless appearances on the talk show circuit, and keeping up the fight for equal pay.
We also can’t ignore her war of words with President Trump. Their feud began back during the team’s run of dominance in France when the president took to Twitter to attack her after she said she’d never go to the “fucking White House.”
In a recent interview with The Guardian, Rapinoe talked about the president’s tweets, saying that the team is “everything he loves with the exception that we’re powerful, strong women.”
I’m guessing Trump isn’t a Lizzo fan, either.
That Fortnite Kid
Kids, don’t let your parents tell you that you’re wasting time playing video games.
Actually, let’s be honest. Smart parents aren’t telling their kids that anymore. Smart parents read the news. Parents know that if anything, kids should keep playing video games because playing video games can earn you a lot of money if you’re good enough.
Case in point: Kyle Giersdorf.
The sixteen-year-old from the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, won it all at the Fortnite World Cup this summer, taking home $3 million in the process. Yeah, $3 million. For playing Fortnite.
That’s more than Tiger Woods won for winning this year’s Masters.
Hold on, there’s more. Every player that participated in the tournament—all 100 of them—was guaranteed $50,000.
I grew up too soon.
There. Are. So. Many. Hard. Seltzers. Now.
My god, a new one is popping up every day. Long gone are the days of only a few options when it came to a cold, refreshing alternative to beer. Now, there at least twenty different varieties to choose from.
There are so many hard seltzers out there now that you’d think they were remixes of “Old Town Road.” I mean shit, we’re getting new ones just as frequently lately.
Recently, Natural Light got into the mix and did so by trying to grab our attention with clever names (which totally worked). Then, Four Loko decided to enter the fray and give the world what it didn’t know it needed.
This shouldn’t be surprising, but Four Loko is claiming that their hard seltzer is the “hardest seltzer in the universe.” Containing 14% ABV, Four Loko’s seltzer has three times more “hard” than other seltzers like White Claw.
Hey, if you drink enough Four Loko hard seltzers then even pumpkin-spiced hard seltzer might make sense to you.
LeBron’s season may not have ended the way he wanted it to but things haven’t been that bad since the Lakers’ 2018-19 campaign ended.
He got Los Angeles to trade for Anthony Davis—which immediately makes the team a title contender—started filming Space Jam 2, and continues to dominate Taco Tuesday.
I’m sure LeBron is hoping the Celtics end up releasing Tacko Fall because the Lakers need a center and I can’t think of a better candidate.
It was a big summer for Chuck.
First, he appeared in Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood and now he’s in the second season of Mindhunter, which debuted on Netflix on Friday. What’s next for Manson? Perhaps a popularity contest between him and other serial killers or something along those lines?
Damn it. There is already a popularity contest between Manson and other serial killers, isn’t there?
Sometimes I think we’re doomed as a society.
Tyler won America’s heart this summer while appearing on The Bachelorette, and while he didn’t win, he hasn’t let that stop him from enjoying the fruits of victory.
He probably should have won because the dude who did, Jed Wyatt, ended up being THE WORST. However, while Tyler didn’t win, he did appear on After the Final Rose and it certainly seemed as if there was a future between him and Hannah Brown.
As a result, Bachelor Nation breathed a pleased sigh of relief because everything was right in the world and Tyler and Hannah would be getting together and…
Hold up! THAT’S GIGI HADID’S MUSIC!!!
As we all know, my friends, when Gigi Hadid calls, you answer the effin’ phone.
What started out as a casual thing has now evolved into them going on vacation together. Yeah, VACATION.
There are four types of people you go on vacation with: your family, your friends, yourself (if things have gotten weird in your life), and people you are romantically involved with.
Get it, Tyler.
Lil Nas X
Lil Nas X just keeps on keeping on, man. Things get quiet on the “Old Town Road” front and *BOOM* he drops another remix.
So far there have been remixes with (or by) Diplo, Young Thug, Lil Wayne, and BTS (and that’s not counting the one with Billy Ray Cyrus that started it all). By the time you read this, another remix may have dropped and it’s probably with one of those effin’ hard seltzers.
Numbers don’t lie, though. “Old Town Road” has gone on to become the longest-running No. 1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, recently having spent its 19th straight week on top.
Lil Nas X’s song has passed milestones reached by Mariah Carey, Drake, and Missy Elliot. It’s blocked songs by Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, and Justin Bieber from reaching the top spot during its run.
It’s been streamed more than a billion times on Spotify and my four-year daughter is probably either listening to it or singing it at this very moment (she just realized that after you take your horse to the Old Town Road, you’re going to ride the horse, not fly the horse. Big weekend in our house).
Has it been hot this summer? Of course it has. It’s summer. Summer is hot.
However, has it been, like, really hot this summer?
To take it a step further, the NOAA says July 2019 was Earth’s hottest month in 140 years of keeping track of such things. The average temperature was nearly two degrees higher than the norm and was .05 degrees higher than the previous hottest month, July 2016.
Sadly, it looks like this trend is going in the wrong direction and the consequences could be disastrous.
So basically, get used to heatwaves and keep those hard seltzers cold.
Angry Bagel Guy
This effin’ guy.
Morgan is apparently no stranger to confrontations (and said confrontations being filmed) and the 45-year-old was captured on camera getting all sorts of fired up when he felt that the women working at the bagel shop we’re making fun of him.
If they weren’t then, they definitely were after. Kind of like all of us were.
Where does one go after they get caught berating bagel shop employees? Do they hang their head in shame and vow to change their ways?
Morgan has doubled down.
He tried selling shirts on Twitter but his account was quickly suspended. However, he has a new YouTube page that features such sure-to-be winning clips as “Chris ‘Bagel Boss’ Morgan vs Biker,” “Called the Cops,” “Chris Morgan Sleeping” and “I’ve Had It With Women.”
He also has a video titled “Chris Morgan Training!” Why, you ask? Because he recently signed a deal to box other “celebrities” (potential opponents include former baseball player Lenny Dykstra, YouTuber Logan Paul, and fellow viral star Antoine Dodson).
If the sweltering, oppressive heat doesn’t spell the end of us, stupidity will first.
Megan Thee Stallion
Life these days is all about branding. Details come later. You label something then fill in the rest after. It’s pretty simple.
That’s what Megan Thee Stallion did and now she’s definitely winning the back half of the summer—or, more specifically, Hot Girl Summer.
The Houston rapper coined the phrase earlier this summer and it took off on social media. Wendy’s and Forever 21 even got in on the action, and at one point, Megan Thee Stallion even tried to copyright the phrase (it’s a total Taylor Swift move but I’m cool with it).
It took about a month after the phrase really caught storm for Megan to actually drop a song called “Hot Girl Summer,” which she did on August 9th.
The track features Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign and was Megan’s first new release since she dropped her mixtape, Fever, in May. It hit number one shortly after it’s release, although obviously on a different chart than the one Lil Nas X has owned all summer.
Everyone ready for “Hot Nerd Fall” next?
I’m more ready for “Cool, I Get to Wear a Hoodie Again Fall,” but that might just be me.
I’m not here to talk about the John Wick movies nor am I here to mention the Ali Wong movie Always Be My Maybe or even the upcoming Bill and Ted movie. I am here to talk about my strongly held belief that Keanu is a contender for the Summer of 2019 Winner solely because of his work in Toy Story 4.
I have seen two movies in theaters this summer. One was Toy Story 4 and the other was The Secret Life of Pets 2. This is because I’m a parent. When my wife and I get a night to ourselves, we want to find someplace outside and drink booze leisurely (something we rarely get to do).
As a result, I don’t see many movies in theaters.
However, I saw Toy Story 4 and I loved it. One of the main reasons why I enjoyed that movie so much was Keanu’s Duke Caboon character. It’s amazing. Key and Peele are great in their roles but Keanu is that movie’s ace in the hole.
I support The Keanussance and I’m down for pieces like this one extolling the greatness of Keanu effin’ Reeves. But Keanu is here because of Duke Caboon. Everything else is just lying in wait, ready to back up his case if needed.
And The Winner Is…
Come on. It’s obviously Kyle Giersdorf.
HE WON $3 MILLION PLAYING FORTNITE!