A few years ago, LeBron James posted a photo on one of his various social media accounts of his kids playing with sparklers on the Fourth of July that was graced with a comment that went something like “I remember when I was their age. Let them enjoy it for a few more years before telling them the true meaning of July 4th.” At the time, I was decently confused as to what LeBron had told his kids about July 4th that wasn’t just “America earned their freedom from Great Britain”. Like there was some big, secret meaning I had yet to learn about. I’ll admit, I did some scouring, but I came up pretty empty. Looking back, I’m still not sure he was referencing but I do know that, whatever it was, it wasn’t real.
So when Vin Scully started dropping some major reveals about the true story behind July 4th during last night’s Dodgers’s game, my mind immediately went back to the plate of bullshit LeBron was trying to shove down my throat all those years ago.
I think the most important thing to take away from all of this is that Vin Scully is still alive. The guy’s getting up there, we need him to touch base every once in awhile to make sure we know that he’s still swimming. Second thing to take away here is that the forefathers began lying to the American public before Hillary Clinton made it trendy and acceptable. I mean, fuck. #JulyFourthGate. Only two people signed it on the day we celebrate our independance. That’d be like if we celebrated D-Day on June 5th instead of June 6th because that’s when the boats left. Also, the fact that the youngest signer was 27 years-old at the time is pretty bananas. That’s only five years older than me and there’s no way I’ve accomplished even a sixth of the things in my life that that guy clearly did by the time he was signing the Declaration of Independance. The guy was liberating countries before he even hit the prime of his life. The other day I was farted in a Wendy’s during the lunch rush and had to get out of line to make sure I didn’t accidentally poop my pants a little bit. If you put a gun in my mouth and told me to write all 26 letters of the alphabet in cursive I’d pull the trigger myself. Honestly, I’m just happy that it’s 2016 and modern medicine has made it all but impossible for old people to die before they reach the point where they’re literally begging you to take them out back and shoot them in the head because, otherwise, we would probably lose Vin before he can tell us the truth behind all the other bullshit our forefathers fed us. Did George Washington really never cheat on Martha with the nation’s first political intern? Was Abraham Lincoln really honest? Was slavery even real? I don’t know, but I bet Vin does. So stay tuned.