How Many More Charitable Acts Must Chad Johnson Do Before Sainthood?

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Proof of God

This is getting ridiculous.

If the Queen can slip out of handcuffs tied to Meghan Markle’s radiator to knight Ringo Starr, the worst Beatle, Pope Francis can put on his big hat and honor an angel walking among us.

While Pope Frank plays hot potato with the gay marriage dilemma, Chad Johnson is putting money in people’s pockets and love in their hearts. As Jesus would.

His latest miracle was put on display this weekend in New Jerusalem (Jacksonville, Florida), when he recruited a disciple to pick him up from a Marriott hotel in Jacksonville and drive him 1.2 miles to the nearest Starbucks, offering a $1,000 reward for his services and an opportunity to meet fraternize with the divine.

Far be it for me to pit myself against the Catholic Church, but I’ll give Jude Law another 48 hours to start shining some light on Johnson’s deeds before I start stealing from the collection box.

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Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.