DICKSCLAIMER: Please only continue reading if you are 5.5 inches or below on your best dick day. My people have suffered too long enough in silence, totally zippered up, to share in this moment with anyone who doesn’t wear a bathing suit in locker room showers.
You hear that Christina, Emily, and Becca? 2020 is the year of the tiny dick so you can take this rare opportunity to CHOKE ON THAT.
A researched article from Mark Hay of VICE titled Why Tiny Dicks Might Come Back In Fashion promises to be the Bible for 75 million American men with dicks whose pee hole is incapable of looking at their feet. If tiny dicks are coming back into fashion, consider me Heidi Klum.
The news comes as a harsh warning to women who are threatening to make pit hair en vogue, but more importantly lends a voice to the inchless, a group who, by no fault of our own, swung and whiffed in the genetics lottery. Thank you, dad. Ya know my dad always said I was a miracle, not because I came out four weeks weeks premature, but because he nearly lost his petite pecker forever in a sea of unkempt pubes in the winter of 1980, nearly squandering his ability to conceive a child. As always, thank you to the brave men and women of the Framingham Fire Department for their invaluable help in the rescue mission.
But I am here. And I am thankful for this passage.
“[In Ancient Greek culture,] the proper or beautiful penis is dainty,” said John Clarke, an ancient erotic art scholar, of their worldview. “A human with very large genitalia, especially male genitalia, is considered to be grotesque, laughable.”
…the ancient Greeks saw a small penis as a sign of modesty, rationality, and self-control, which they valued, and a large penis as a sign of idiotic, animalistic lust—of a complete lack of restraint.
(Good to know that Aristotle and Plato were packing baby carrots, so I can claim I’m in good company while my Tinder date scrambles to order an Uber.)
For centuries, the Small Dick Squad™ has been forced into a proverbial closet and plagued with inequality of opportunity due to society’s inflated standards of penis size. If it seems like every male porn actor is so endowed you’d think he was an offspring of Lori Loughlin, remember that a carpenter wouldn’t show up to work without a hammer. These guys are professionals. Just because you’re not as good at basketball as LeBron James, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go shoot hoops at your local Y.
But before you go trying to stretch out that mushroom cap with a pizza roller, consider this: not so long ago in the history of mankind, obesity was considered an attractive trait in a man because it indicated that he had enough resources to nourish himself. Now, who do you think fucks more: 2009 Jonah Hill or 2019 Jonah Hill?
If I have it my way, in my lifetime, we’ll grow into a world where James Bond has a micro-penis and anyone still packing a baby arm will be nothing more than on the wrong side of history. A man can wet dream.